


Not Another X Reader!

by BlueBitterness



Category: Underfell - Fandom, Undertale
Genre: Crack, I don't care how much of a mediocre mobile game color switch is its still hell, Im not tagging all the fucking aus in chapter 26 fuck that, Inconsistent updating, JFC, Other, Yikes, but i love u guys :), everything is going to shit what the fuck, i hate my life, i'll add as i go - Freeform, so much crack you'll call me amanda bines, this is why we cant have nice things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 15:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 56
Words: 20,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7111426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueBitterness/pseuds/BlueBitterness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Have you ever seen a summary change so many times?)</p><p>shits fucked</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Holy sh i t

U fuckle shuckle the skele-man gg fam


	2. Does spider have puss puss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk does it

U walk up to muffet and ask for that spider succ ™ . U were never found after that day.


	3. Dear god send the cops

"SNESS I REQUIRE THE BLUE DONG" u shout, in nothing but your underwear...u nasty. 

"who are you and what are you doing in my house?" The blue skeleton marshmellow thing said while standing up(u still short tho sit back down). 

"SANS IM SCARED" the slightly taller marshmellow said. wait why is it in a scarf,boots,a crop top and booty shorts? what is this? Ru Pauls drag race????


	4. what

U see a underfell papya in the distance,no not THE underfell papya, just one out of a flock of them. 

You go to pet one but it turns to you and says;  
"Do not put your grimy baby hands on me you waste of space. I would rather tounge-fuck jerry five times than to have you touch me"

...

"Y-yeah? Well... YOUR'RE A SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG REJECT"

dont be fucking rude (y/n).


	5. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

so you fall down this hole right, and after you wake up from being knocked unconscious, this plants vs zombies flower ripoff comes outta the ground.

now at this point you know you're high af and you don't even care enough to listen to it anymore because you think its part of the weed hallucination.

shit boi were u wrong.

The flower probably noticed you didnt give a fuck and before you can register the small "fuck it" that came from the flower, tenticals shoot up from the ground and try to grab you. TRIED.

You noped outta there faster than the time you got caught by the cops with the weed.


	6. Every oc ever (not really)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear god what have i done

HELLO I AM HYPER PRINCESS OF LOVE!!!!!!1! EVERY1 ❤️'s MEE AND THE ONES WHO DONT ARE EXICUTED!!!! DX XD IM IN HIGHSCHOOL AND VERY POPULAR AND (insert every fan favorite from every fandom ever) IS MY BF/GF. HAS LONG FLOWING HAIR THAT CHANGES COLOURS WITH MY MOOD (like my EYES XD).HAS A EVIL TWIN SISTER NAMED (ocs name spelled backwards) AND SHE ACCIDENTALY HIT A PUPPY SO SHES EVIL TO THE CORE DXDXDXXX.  
I AM ALSO THE LOST PRINCESS OF HYRULE(yea fuk u zelda).


	7. this clothing isle needs jeansus

You shoot up from bed giggling "Yo snas wake up".   
You hear a groan from your right "what?"  
"You know how monsters turn to dust when they die? What if like someone droped the dust in the snow? Arent they just steping on your corpse??"  
"im sleeping on the couch."


	8. I just needed the word count to get to 420

Tiddy™.....


	9. I think sans has a drinking problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> O shit whaddap??? I got a blog thats cool so go follow me, or send hate i dont give a shit.
> 
> http://blue-bitterness.tumblr.com  
> beware, I'm an asshole

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a bottle of hot sause (because one day we all just fucking decided that that functions as alcohal for the poor guy).

It was a hard day for him because his spouse is fucking creepy buthe still loves them. And with a creepy spouse you get reminded of the creepy kid who killed everybody you know and love. fuckle.

After a couple of bottles of the shit he breaks down, because the little fucker doesnt know what his life is anymore.

Well little guy i dont fucking know either. Im litteraly a self-proclaimed author with too much free time.


	10. *johntron scream*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one survived.

You sat at the couch with a devious smile on you face. You had invited Undyne and the yellow weeb over for "Anime Night". What they had thought was going to be a fun night with friends, was going to be the the worst day of their lives.  
"The hell are we watching tonight anyway?" Undyne had asked.

Your grin grew wider

"Buko no Pico."


	11. moof

U walk up to Muffet and smack the spider booty "Ey bby what it do?" U say wiggling ur eyebrows.

"....how much money do you have?"  
"3,000g ;)"

Muffets inner dialog: "Their brain compasity is telling me no but their bank account is telling me yes"


	12. I almost forgot to give this a title

"Hey sans r u in the mood ;)"

Sans gives you a look of disgust, "how could i possably be 'in the mood'? i am literaly just a fucking skeketon. unless you mean am i in the mood to throw my ketchup bottle at you."

"But dont you like have one of those ghost dicks?" You say a little disapointed.

"i dont even- what!? where did you get that from?"

"Tumblr."

"yeah that explains it"


	13. What i wanted to happen in the genocide run

Undyne the Undying, Mettaton NEO, and Sans curb stompping Chara at a Denny's parking lot.

Chara then falls in the gutter.


	14. Get a shark ™

You burst into Toriels house breaking into a war cry. After Toriels done having a severe heart attack and some how surviving, you ask her a question.

"Hey Tori do skeletons eat ass? I kinda want Sans to bone me if ya know what i mean ;)))"

"...My child i am just about sick of your shit."

"Ok but do they???"

"...........yes"


	15. I hate comming up with titles

(i posted this on my tumblr but really who tf cares)  
Ok but imagine if sans was muffets sugar daddy?why else wwould he have so many jobs???bills??get real hun sans trinna get that spider succ ™. Look this could(nt) happen this is my #1 crackship


	16. in the third grade i tried to copyright my bad cat ocs for warrior cats.

Ok so i was watching jackass right? But i had this thought about someone(imma just say the reader in this case bc their a dick in this story) was constantly kicking mettaton in the non existing dick while doing the count dracula voice so their like;  
"One! Uh uh uh"  
Kick  
"Two! Uh uh uh"  
Kick  
"Three! Uh uh uh"  
For like an hour or something but realy they're like .3 seconds from breaking their leg bc mettaton is lade out of metal so... Idk


	17. Momther who bore me

When the moon hits ur eye like a big pizza pie u gotta kinkshame the moon.


	18. single boi sits by himself

"So sans-" "here we fucking go" "-if you were to have a dick would it taste like blueberry or blue rasberry?" 

".....what the actual fuck. it wouldnt taste like anything, its a fucking dick it would taste like dick."

"Ok but like magic tho, wouldnt you like use that to make it taste like that"

Sans pinched the bridge of his nasal cavity, "fucking hell. this is why i had papyrus move in with toriel."


	19. When u get that vitamin D ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

While sans is in the kitchen you run up and tackle him,"SANS DANGIT GIMME THAT D OR I WILL...ok i wouldnt really do any thing just because u wont bone me thats funked up."

"...wait here."

"Ok chief"

When sans returns he's holding a cardboard cut-out of the letter d, he then hands it to you.

"Ok i walked into that one." "you really did."


	20. The inner dialog of y/n

Hey pally buddo dont be sad! Just do what y/n does and think of something funny! Like an old person in a wheelchair falling down the stairs,or an orphan being told their parents are still alive and want to adopt them and watch them find out the truth.

Wait thats what you call funny? What the fuck.


	21. Poor papyrus...

"PAPYROOS HOLY FUCK" "OH ASGORE WHY", were the first things Toriel heard when waking up this morning. Knowing EXACTLY who it was, she grabbed Frisk and leaped out the window."Sorry, dear Papyrus, survival of the fittest."

"Ok so papya-" "PAPYRUS" "-yeah whatever pomegranate, do skeledudes even do the do?"

"DO THE... DO? I DONT HAVE A CLUE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. MAY I LEAVE NOW?"

"Ok first of all, n o o n e s e v e r   
a l l o w e d t o l e a v e. And second of all how do you not know what doing the do means? I even put it in kid terminology??"

"BECAUSE IM NOT A PERVERT."

"Says the person who gets off to Mettatons legs."

the fuck did i tell you about being rude y/n


	22. Only a true shitposter

Today had to be doomsday. We were out of ketchup,so sans wont shut his ass about it. Greaaat.  
"oi y/n" sans called from the kitchen.

"What skele-hoe"

"when the shit are you gonna go get the ketchup? kinda need to **ketchup** on my fix."

"When i go to the store, and no puns"

"what i think they're punny"

"That was corny and you know it"

"but your smiling"

"Bitch do it look like im smiling? No. Now chill your ass Im going to the store."

After the quick trip to the store sans grabs the bag and rummages through it.

"ah ketchup, my true love."

"Ok fuck you too then"

"i cant fuck im a skeleton."

Smartass


	23. Soriel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The soap opera

Toriel sighed in a totaly-non-dramatic fashion, "Oh sans, when shall you be mine?"

As if on cue, sans slammed Toriels door open. sans was wearing a open button up, which was kinda awkward because it was showing his ribs(which i guess according to the fandom was the equivilent to having your ass cheeks flopping everywhere,and do you wanna look like miley cyrus? I didnt think so.)

"right now bby"

Toriel gasped in astonishment,"My love! But how did you escape the dreaded y/n?!"

sans shrugged "like 20 bucks."

Almost crushing the poor skeleton, Toriel falls into sans' arms.

"Now we can finally be together!"

"Not really"

sans and Toriel turned around and gasp in shock. No, it couldnt be..

But it was. Y/n was in the door, their foot tapping away while also having a slightly irritated look on their face.

"So yeah that skele-hoe payed me in monopoly money and i want a refund so I'll just be taking this" y/n stated as they began to pick up sans and carry him under one arm and take him away.

"NOOOOO-huh?" "CUT!" 

Mettaton sat in the directors chair looking very displeased.

"That performance was AWFUL. REDO!"

And everyone groaned in anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ship it lmao


	24. Do i win at puns

God you hated sundays. Sunday would always be cleaning days, and instead of helping, sans would just sit on the counter with his feet dangling making puns the whole time.

"Sans kindly shut the everloving fuck up"

"aww c'mon my pun game is _clean_ tho"

"Oh my fucking god"

"i _soap_ pose i need to step up my gain"

"Holy shit"

"hey _wash_ your mouth young lady"

"This is what i get for almost killing Toriel"

"ok lemme _dial_ it _downy_ with the puns. not"

"WHYYYY"

"jeez kid no need to _shout_ "

"I hate life"

"*fake yawn* im gonna go let sleep _caress_ me now. or not i dont care"

"I dont pay my taxes for this"

" _ivory_ sorry for all the puns hun, but dont get all zesty on me"

"How many brands of soap do you have to know and memorize for this shit to happen"

"arent you gonna ask me to let u sleep so sleep can _wisk_ you away so you can get a _fresh start_ tomorrow? So you can surf the tides of your dreams?"

"The fuck kind of soap name is fresh start?"

"do what ever you want, im _cheer_ ing for you hun"

"Are you even listening to me??"

"let the pun crown _cascade_ on me for i am the true pun diva"

".....Are you done?"

"yeah.."  
"... **so what about you almost killing toriel?** "

"Whoop done cleaning bye."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an example of writen puns because the structure and wording of the sentences are intended to be humorous. I am able to interpret this as "a clusterfuck of cleaning puns" due to my prior knowledge of each individual product.


	25. The beach epidode

Toriel, sans, Papyrus, Undyne, and Alphys all agreed to bring you with them to the beach as long aq you promise not to kill anyone purposely.

Not even 20 minutes at the beach and Toriel has at least a pound of sand in her fur, sans 'mysteriously' got a crab in his pelvis, Papyrus got attacked by seagulls, Alphys almost drowned (luckly Undyne saved her), And Undyne... Well she was fine. Go her.

But you? You were curently laughing your ass off while simultaneously getting whacked with an umbrella of a angery child, they kinda look familiar too. Oh well not your kid. 

They then looked at your friends(?) and ran towards them. Following after them as they reached the group, and Toriel gasped in shock.

"M-My child"

The kid then... holy shit. They just fucking smacked Toriels ass. 

Toriel was looking very shocked, confused, and weirded out. But they all melted away as she gave a harty chuckle and picked the kid up.

" Ah, classic Frisk. Where have you've been? You were missing for the past two days!"

Frisk gave Toriel a flat look,"You left me in a goddamn Dennys what do you mean 'where have you been'??"

Kids these days.....


	26. Too many y/n's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternatively called 'too many ayyou's!'

Inter-Universal meetings were hell. Like, you thought YOU were an asshole but underfell you was a colossal asshole.

And then underswap you was the sweetest person you've ever met, but mafiatale you kept hitting on them which aperantly made underlust you jealous.

Speaking of underlust you, while thier main target was either you or underswap you, they STILL hit on everybody else. Are they like the enbodyment of teenage hormones?( or as i like to call them, whoremoans)

Outertale you wouldnt shut the fuck up about how cool space and proving Neil Degrasse Tyson wrong. 

Swapfell you was a bratty ass teenager. No seriously theyre like 15 where are their parents, who let them in and why are they drinking hard liquor?

Horrortale you was the most jumpy and mistrusting of them all, the fuck goes on in their world?

Errortale you and Freshtale you were... Interesting to say the least. Errortale wont stop talking about the void and Freshtale keeps speaking in 2009 ninegag memes and rolling on thier heelies.

Help_Tale...uh, tries. They try a little too hard though, their arm keeps falling off. But theyre nice(?)

Oceantale you is stuck in the pool and on further inspection Freshtale tatoo'd #fishproblems on their arm with rainbow loom. Ok? Idk how thats possible but ok.

Cputale is a fucking nerd,like holy shit no one fucking cares you got overwatch and you main as Mercy jfc.

Haventale is a fucking tease,Trickstertale is a fucking yandere, Storyshift is...jerry ew, But at least Steamtale you looks badass.

 

Welp, time to go socalize with the other you's no one gives a shit about.

Wait you just got a text from Reapertale you;

 **DeadBae**  
* _Hey sorry im late again lmao, died again. U said u liked caramel lattes rite?_

Well, at least Reapertale you is cool.


	27. That time Frisk got left at Denny's

Frisk's life was pretty ok for their situation. Good friends, good family, a nice house that keeps getting broken into by some crazy screaming person, and a dead ghost kid that tells them constantly to smack their goat moms ass. Yup, everything was a-okay.

That is until Toriel found out what alcohol was.

So Frisk was minding their own business making their breakfast when Toriel stumbles quite drunkly.

"Uh..mom? You ok? You don't look so hot."

"Shadap Frido you can't tell me if I'm hot or not, r34 would disagree with you on a looooong _shot_." was that a pun? dear lord.

Now, Toriel is a grown adult goat, so Frisk couldn't really judge her about her drinking. But now it looks like she got white boy wasted like a freshmen at a frat party.

"C'mon M'child we gotta go to the breakfast joint, Dean's is what they call *hic* it I think."

"Mom I don't think you should drive right now, you're more plastered than sans in a tomato feild."

"I *hic* am a grooown asss whooman so youu can't *hic* tell me nothin!"

"Can we at least walk there??"

"No! We gotta do this sheet the hard way, is tha*hic*t cool enough for your youth?"

And so Toriel then drags Frisk all the way to the nearest Denny's. Yes I mean drag as in the physical sense, Frisk's mouth was pretty much full of rocks.

'Mom I think I have internal bleeding in my face I need a doctor.' Frisk signed, unable to talk due to the pain in their face.(yes frisk can both speak and sign in this fic because reasons)

"Whatever you *hic* say m'chald, lemme go to the doctor for ya'"

And Frisk waited for her for about a good hour and a half before wandering out of the diner.

Where the fuck was she!? 

Since the Denny's was around 20 miles away (Toriel, Frisk, and Papyrus lived pretty far out of town), Frisk had been walking for at least a day. So, with all the walking they've been doing to get home, they decide to stop by the beach to cool down.

(Ok now go to the beach episode)


	28. It's fucking sinter/wummer up in this bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sinter/wummer= Winter+summer  
> (Btw this is in sans' perspective before that huge chunk of space)

It was a (thankfully) quiet morning today, considering sans lived with you, you must be still asleep. Or dead.

"what the fuck??? it's the middle of june and it's snowing? great now paps is gonna think it's gyftmas and buy a bunch of stuff."

 _bzzzzzzz bzzzzz_ -

papyrus was calling him, so of course sans picks up.

" **SANS OH MY ASGORE ITS GYFTMAS** "

 _called_ it.

"uh yeah sure it is paps"

"SANS I WASNT EVEN READY. HOWAMIGONNATELLSANTAIFORGOTHISGIFT?OHNOIMGOINGONTHENAUGHTYLISTARENTI?"

sans let out a chuckle,"of course not paps, you're too cool for that"

"BUT WHAT IF-"

"trust me paps you're fine."

"W-WELL IF YOU SAY SO. SO HOW HAVE YOU BEEN BROTHER? I HAVENT SEEN YOU SINCE I HAD TO MOVE OUT BECAUSE OF...them."

"eh, same ol' same ol'"

"WHY DO YOU EVEN STAY WITH THEM? THEY'RE OUT OF CONTROL." 

"well one they pay the bills so that's helpful, and i still love them pap, they just infected from that,uh, parasite? virus? thing? idunno,it looked as if someone barfed up the 90's on a pair of heelies,and if i don't deal with them it'll get worse."

"WELL THAT EXPLAINED A LOT."

"yeah..."

 

 

What sans didn't know was that you were listening, sure he said he loved you, but you heard something about Christmas (or at least it sounded like it?), and you were ready to get out the presents you were saving for this occasion.

"YO SANS! I got you some junk or whatever!"

"i was so close to having peace."

Once sans got down the stairs (after too damn long, I might add) you shoved a wrapped box in his face, almost knocking him over.

"uh thanks..?"

"Open it damn it"

So open it he did, only to find a giant blue sweater that reads in bold letters;

**DIG BICK (if lost return to pight tussy)**

"why."  
"Why not?"

And to sans' horror, you held up a giant purple sweater that also read in bold letters;

**I'M PIGHT TUSSY ;)**

"i am never wearing this holy shit"

"I feel personaly attacked by that wow ok ouch"

"where the hell did you even get these so I can burn the store"

"Actualy I made these so I guess you have to burn me. But burning me requires fire,and fire is caused by friction. I wonder were we can get friction from? Oh wait! I know-"  
"don't you fucking dare"  
"-You boning me bby ;)"

"yeah fuck this i'm going the fuck back to bed bye its wayy too early for this shit"

"It's like 4pm asshole."

"whatever"

When sans got back to his room he glanced out the window to find that all the snow was gone and it looked like a normal summer day outside.

"surface weather is fucking weird."


	29. donut steel

sans is on the couch sleeping, how cute! Too bad it's time too fuck it up, so you jump over the top of the couch and plop yourself down next too him.

"Yo sansitizer, do you think Mettaton is hot or what? I mean look at those leggggs."

Waking up startled, sans pinched the bridge of his nose canal and let out a deep sigh.What was with everyone and Mettaton? "god , not you too, and to answer your question hell no. he is way too overated."

"Wow ok hipster alert calm yer tits."

sans then got up to go to the kitchen to get..something, you don't really give a fuck.  
.....waiting.  
................more waiting.  
.......................getting tired of waiting hurry the fuck up sans.

Oh wait never mind he's back.

"So hey sans ever googled yourself?"

"do I want to?"

"Not unless your into horny teenagers sinning their asses off you don't."

"what the hell does that even mean??"

"Google yourself and find out."

"i'd rather not thank you."

 

he lied,ofc curiosity got the best of him, he _had_ to know. googling yourself couldn't be THAT bad could it?

he was soo wrong **redact it _redact it_**.

hunderds upon thousands of links, stories, posts, and worst of all images were displayed on his screen. He had even found some weird story called 'not another x reader'. dear god is this what people think of him? s I n.

sans looked over to you, to find you giving him a mournful yet amused look (somehow).

"What'd I tell ya'? The world is full of sin my friend."

"at least this doesn't happen with papyrus, right?"

He watched as your expression quickly shifted into a grimace,"Uh **spare** yourself the agony and uh, don't search that up. _Ever._ "


	30. I deed the smoot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear lord this is what happens when I don't sleep for a whole day

"Oi bby snee Im ready 4 the donger that you now have bc magic"

"yee bae that for some reason is attracted to a skelebone legoo."

Idk like 5 minutes after the frock mc grackle....

"Y it look like a push pop mixed with a light saber covered in Gatorade tho?"

"bc we all just decided one day"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinkshame?
> 
> |>do. |do not.


	31. I want to be dead in a pool

Trips to the store were uh, interesting between you and sans. Surprisingly you would,at most times,be completely silent. While sans would constantly bug you about ketchup, or tomatoes to make ketchup.

Though, of course today had to be the day where shit fucks up.

Because plot convenience.

You were driving down the road with sans in the passenger seat completely silent. Until Jesus, Take the Wheel came on.  
AWWWWWW hell yeah! This was your SONG, it was so bad it was good. 

"She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati  
On a snow white ChristmasEve  
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat  
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline  
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention  
She was going way too fast  
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass  
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes  
She didn't even have time to cry  
She was so scared  
She threw her hands up in the air"

"um ok your singing now? at least your not screami-"

"JESUS TAKE THE WHEEEEL" you then began to ascend from the wheel as you sang, leaving the car to swerve out of control.

"um uM UM PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL OH GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE ARENT WE."

"TAKE IT FROM MY HAAAAANDS"

"HOLY SHIT WHY"

"CAUSE I CANT DO THIS ON MY OWN"

"CAN YOU AT LEAST MOVE SO I CAN GRAB THE WHEEL?"

"IM LETTING GOOO"

"YOU ALREADY DID- OH FUCK YOU HIT A CAT"

"SO GIVE ME ONE MORE CHA- Oh we're here!" You proclaimed as you turned off the radio and walked out of the car, not before checking sans, who looked pretty much dead.

"Uh, snaser? U ok? No? Ok don't care."

After around 10 minutes of being passed out, sans woke up.

"im gonna fucking take this radio out and destroy it."


	32. Bed Tim™

You don't remember falling asleep,but you wake up in a abyss-like place.   
You begin to walk around to find the exit, but instead you found sans.

"Yo, fuck Boi u know how to gtfoutta here?......uh sans?"

You try to reach out and turn him around, but when you did he swiftly 180'd his head.

" **The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal.** "

There was a beep. 

" **A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound.** "

There was a ding.

" **Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready,  
 _s t a r t_.** "

You screamed as you quickly rose from the bed. After calming down (by your standards) you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding.

Man, _FUCK_ junior high.


	33. Asgore is surprisingly not the entire source of daddy kinks. Thanks sans.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another day another shitpost

Ah yes, middle school. Yes it's slightly less of a hell than high school but it was still hell overall. Pubescent girls,boys, and inbetweens, Teachers with either too much coffee or too little, little Billy being a little prick by picking on everyone, _**gym**_.

That being said; _Poor Frisk_. 

The kid is only in the 7th grade and they already have to be the ambassador for an entire race of monsters that **rose outta the fuckin' ground for gods sake**. And they're still expected to do 100% perfect in school. Adults.

Not to mention the crazy ass shit that's been happening lately! 

First their aunkle go's nuts because some _thing_ that looks like a unicorn got white boy wasted for the first time and barfed up the 90's to the fresh prince of belair theme song sprinkled some weird ever-lasting cocane in their drink, pretty much making sans go into denial for a month 

Their mom that looks like every 4chaner's dream left them at a fucking Denny's and for never came back for around 2 days until they had went to the beach to cool down only to find chaos.

And last but not least, WHERE THE FUCK WAS ASGORE IN ALL OF THIS?

Oh never mind there he go.

"Oh! Frisk, what a pleasant surprise seeing you here! I was stoping by the school today to see,well, h-how is Toriel doing?" Frisk was amazed on how quickly Asgore's voice shifted from a booming baritone voice to a nervous quieter one. And by the fact that he's here on his off day, Frisk's school sucked clown ass.

"Uh nothing much with her lately, mom stuff." Ohhh Toriel was gonna owe Frisk for _sparing_ her the embarassment of telling the Denny's story to her ex.

"Oh wonderful!"

...

"Oh, Frisk you know how little Billy got sent to the hospital last weekend?"

"Uh yeah..?"

"That's because I broke his legs! Now I belive he has learned from bulling you"

"...Well I'm not surprised."

 

~~~~•Elsewere•~~~~

 

"*hic* A-asgore!? More like Ass Whore!"  
And there was the gross sobbing.

Well this night out sucked ass. You, sans, Papyrus, Undeyne, Alphys, and Toriel were all going for a nice time out but nooo, Toriel **had** to find the drink part of the menu.

"uh tori, i think you need h-" sans was almost through his sentence before Undyne interrupted "TOR YOUR GOIN BONKERS OVER ASGORE GIRL!" 

"I knoooww, but I've said so many demeaning things to himm. W-why musti still love the big fluffy foooooool!?"  
Cue more crying and Alphys writing some otaku fanfic under the table.


	34. This is why you don't design houses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y/n nO

"Yo sandy Boi wake the fuck up I got an idea"

Aperantly sans isn't allowed to sleep and more because as soon as he decides it's ok to sleep in the bed he gets woken up at 5 am. Awesome.

"holy bill nye what do you want I have work"

"Well geez I'm sorry for getting a genius idea, but anyway, remember when we went to lowes the other day?"

"yeah you got us kicked out for harassing an employe"

"Hey it's not my fault he was acting like never seen a Halloween decoration before, he was just a little bitch"

" _i_ was the halloween decoration, you tossed me to him"

"Oh yeah..."

"..so what was that 'genius' idea?"

"Oh yeah. So you know how lowes had those bathroom and kitchen setups had only tiles so I came up with -wait for it- carpeted kitchens and bathrooms"

"oh my god that's a terrible idea" "But like then you don't need rugs, plus people already put rugs in carpeted living rooms so I mean common" "nope nah bad idea go to bed" "Ok ok fine, night." "night" 

A few minutes later sans got a text from you. It was two pictures, one of a carpeted kitchen and one of a carpeted bathroom with the caption 'I'll be ur kitchen if u be my bathroom ;)'.

sans grabbed the nearest pillow and whacked you with it. You gave out a muffled "Love you too babe".

And then it was time for sans to go to work.


	35. That time sans worked at Walmart

Walmart has to be some type of portal to hell.

I mean have you seen who shopped there?

When sans first got settled at the surface, he was looking for a job and what was the first thing with decent pay and minimalistic work effort? 

**_Walmart_ **

When sans teleported to the location of the store, the first few things he noticed were the lack of employe's, the packed parking lot and the _smell_.

He went to the office of place, while getting a lot of either freaked out and disgusted stares from the customers and indifferent glances by the staff, as if they've already seen weirder shit than a talking skeleton in a Walmart of all places.

When he got inside the office the boss,who looked to be in her late 30s early 40s, was way to invested in her -what looks to be- game that looks like an awkward crossover of flappy bird and candy crush.

"uh mam? i'm here for a job interview?"

The older-looking woman gave him a quick up down, as if she was reading his soul with her mind and simply said "You're hired."

"but don't I have to-"

"Look son do ya' want the job or not?"

"ok then never mind"

"Good boy"

sans had to resist the urge to chuckle, this lady literaly looked a real life skeleton in the eye and called him 'son' as if she was older than something that was already technically dead. He had also chosen to ignore the pet talk.

"Ok so your first job will be plain and simple, all you gotta do is ask if the customer needs and help, and in the long run never really help all that much. They shouldn't bother you after that."

And then she just walked off, no interview, no introducing him to the other staff, and no further instructions about the job. The only thing he knew was the boss's name was Mahogany, and that was by looking at her name tag.

Hopefully today was gonna be uneventful (Oh you poor dude, in this fic no one is safe)

"Um mister skeleton man?"

Fuck.

sans looked down to find a human child at around age 5 or 6 tugging at his vest.

"I c-can't find my fambaly and I don't know where they w-went"

Double Fuck. Not only was the poor kid lost, but the kid was adorable. Though sans will never admit it, sans was a sucker for kids.

"well kid what did they look like?"

The kid began to rummage through his pockets and pulled out a drawing of what's supposed to be his family yet looks like the after math of the Texas chainsaw massacre.

"uhh hate to break it to ya pal but i-" "BILLY GEORGE PETERSON YOU GET AWAY FROM THAT THING IMEDIETLY"

sans turned his skull to see who was doing all that squawking and-

H-holy shit, sans couldn't even handle what he was looking at, what the fuck. sans began laughing his nonexistent ass off at what he was looking at.

There was a woman who was dressed in the messiest outfit on the planet inside and out.

The woman looked as if she had 12 too many glasses of whine and had 3 too many kids. She had to be in her 40s by the look of the bags under her eyes. She had red-ish brown obviously dyed hair and hazel eyes, though they were leaning more towards brown than anything. The Botox was so real that you can't described it as anything other than Ted Cruz trying to smile but he smiles too hard while watching a horror movie.

She Looked as if she knew she was trying and failing to rock a Donald Trump supporting t-shirt that read 'MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN' in bold white letters with bedazzled blue jeans that had multiple rips and tears along the sides, while also sporting a crossbreed shoe between crocs and flip flops. And sans thought he had bad style, as told by Mettaton.

But hey mabye she didn't have a whole lot of clothes so she came here for mo-

"And what are _you_ laughing at?? I did not spend almost 200 dollars on this outfit to get it dirty next to some monster with absolutely no taste!"

sans couldn't help it now, he was howling and wheezing in laughter. He couldn't even handle the job anymore. He teleports himself into the bosses office, still laughing into the oblivion. This startled his boss be he could give less of a fuck. sans slams his vest on the office desks and simply says "yeah I quit."

"You litteraly just got here an hour ago, how come you quit?"

"have you _seen_ the shit here? I couldn't even deal with one encounter! heh, later." Then he just teleported out of the place, never to be seen again. Good for him.

Mahogany sighed not caring all that much."Well, this wouldn't be the first time something weird happened here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for shopping at Walmart.


	36. Sushi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I LIVE

~~~~Ah another day, another anime day. It was Undyne's turn to host but shes too busy being passed out from watching Naruto non-stop for half a day.

"Y-You know (Y/n), you're not so bad to be around when your not torturing us with bad anime!" Alphys stated in a cheery yet hopeful tone.

You shrugged half heartedly, "Eh nah i was waiting until Undyne was asleep to start the weird questions."

Alphys began to sink further into her blanket on the couch,"Uh I t-think thats our cue to g-go to sleep!"

"Oh no you dont. To make it better, if you answer mine, I'll answer yours." You tried to reassure her.

"Well if that's the case,s-sure!"

"Aight, first question; When you and Undyne do the do, is it called eating sushi, doing the dinosaur or both?"

"U-UM NEXT QUESTION!"

This was going to take a while.

 

 

 

Eventualy, Undyne woke up from the noise of either squealing or giggling and decided to join in.

"Ok **nerds**!" Undyne began,a mischivious look on her face,"Before we all go to bed **I** call last question!" Undyne then turned to give that smug look to you, most likely plotting to kill someone.

"So,(Y/n). Buddy, pal, friend, buddy, chum, homeslice-"

"Get on with it Undyne. The suspence is killing me!" You fake swoon,causing Alphys to giggle.

"Right, right, continuing," Undyne chimed as if she was in a James Bond movie,"My question is; HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DIDDLE THE FIDDLE OF A SKELETON!? I'VE BEEN NEEDING TO KNOW FOR A MONTH NOW AND ALPHYS WONT TELL ME!"

Alphys practicly keeled over in laughter with tiny little snorts through out,"HAHAHA! I C-CANT BELIVE Y-YOU ACTUALY SAID IT!HEHAHEE*snort*HAAHAHAA."

It took Alphys aboout 3 minutes to calm down before you answered,"Anything's possible with a little friendship and a little magic," and heading straight to snoozevile.

Undyne sighs and plops back down on the unusually large couch and mumbles "I can never be told the truth in this world, first anime-" and the rest was unintelligible. She later decides to just sleep again, Naruto can wait.

Alphys on the other hand was too busy laughing to notice she fell off the couch from doing so, and just decides to stay there and sleep there anyways.

Another anime night won by the Great ~~Papyrus~~  (Y/n). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alt ending:
> 
> Undyne was baffled at the answer, knowing it was a lie.
> 
> "HOW COME NO ONE IS STRAIGHT WITH ME ANYMORE!?"
> 
> Alphys raised her hand to get Undyne's attention before responding,"Because you're not straight," she pointed out matter-of-factly.
> 
> "Yeah goodnight babe."


	37. I love you guys trust me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry

"Sans, love,babykins,darling, I must tell you something of great urgency."

"what?"

"I-I, love

 

According to all known laws  
of aviation,

 

there is no way a bee  
should be able to fly.

 

Its wings are too small to get  
its fat little body off the ground.

 

The bee, of course, flies anyway

 

because bees don't care  
what humans think is impossible.

 

Yellow, black. Yellow, black.  
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

 

Ooh, black and yellow!  
Let's shake it up a little.

 

Barry! Breakfast is ready!

 

Ooming!

 

Hang on a second.

 

Hello?

 

\- Barry?  
\- Adam?

 

\- Oan you believe this is happening?  
\- I can't. I'll pick you up.

 

Looking sharp.

 

Use the stairs. Your father  
paid good money for those.

 

Sorry. I'm excited.

 

Here's the graduate.  
We're very proud of you, son.

 

A perfect report card, all B's.

 

Very proud.

 

Ma! I got a thing going here.

 

\- You got lint on your fuzz.  
\- Ow! That's me!

 

\- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.  
\- Bye!

 

Barry, I told you,  
stop flying in the house!

 

\- Hey, Adam.  
\- Hey, Barry.

 

\- Is that fuzz gel?  
\- A little. Special day, graduation.

 

Never thought I'd make it.

 

Three days grade school,  
three days high school.

 

Those were awkward.

 

Three days college. I'm glad I took  
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.

 

You did come back different.

 

\- Hi, Barry.  
\- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.

 

\- Hear about Frankie?  
\- Yeah.

 

\- You going to the funeral?  
\- No, I'm not going.

 

Everybody knows,  
sting someone, you die.

 

Don't waste it on a squirrel.  
Such a hothead.

 

I guess he could have  
just gotten out of the way.

 

I love this incorporating  
an amusement park into our day.

 

That's why we don't need vacations.

 

Boy, quite a bit of pomp...  
under the circumstances.

 

\- Well, Adam, today we are men.  
\- We are!

 

\- Bee-men.  
\- Amen!

 

Hallelujah!

 

Students, faculty, distinguished bees,

 

please welcome Dean Buzzwell.

 

Welcome, New Hive Oity  
graduating class of...

 

...9:15.

 

That concludes our ceremonies.

 

And begins your career  
at Honex Industries!

 

Will we pick ourjob today?

 

I heard it's just orientation.

 

Heads up! Here we go.

 

Keep your hands and antennas  
inside the tram at all times.

 

\- Wonder what it'll be like?  
\- A little scary.

 

Welcome to Honex,  
a division of Honesco

 

and a part of the Hexagon Group.

 

This is it!

 

Wow.

 

Wow.

 

We know that you, as a bee,  
have worked your whole life

 

to get to the point where you  
can work for your whole life.

 

Honey begins when our valiant Pollen  
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.

 

Our top-secret formula

 

is automatically color-corrected,  
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured

 

into this soothing sweet syrup

 

with its distinctive  
golden glow you know as...

 

Honey!

 

\- That girl was hot.  
\- She's my cousin!

 

\- She is?  
\- Yes, we're all cousins.

 

\- Right. You're right.  
\- At Honex, we constantly strive

 

to improve every aspect  
of bee existence.

 

These bees are stress-testing  
a new helmet technology.

 

\- What do you think he makes?  
\- Not enough.

 

Here we have our latest advancement,  
the Krelman.

 

\- What does that do?  
\- Oatches that little strand of honey

 

that hangs after you pour it.  
Saves us millions.

 

Oan anyone work on the Krelman?

 

Of course. Most bee jobs are  
small ones. But bees know

 

that every small job,  
if it's done well, means a lot.

 

But choose carefully

 

because you'll stay in the job  
you pick for the rest of your life.

 

The same job the rest of your life?  
I didn't know that.

 

What's the difference?

 

You'll be happy to know that bees,  
as a species, haven't had one day off

 

in 27 million years.

 

So you'll just work us to death?

 

We'll sure try.

 

Wow! That blew my mind!

 

"What's the difference?"  
How can you say that?

 

One job forever?  
That's an insane choice to have to make.

 

I'm relieved. Now we only have  
to make one decision in life.

 

But, Adam, how could they  
never have told us that?

 

Why would you question anything?  
We're bees.

 

We're the most perfectly  
functioning society on Earth.

 

You ever think maybe things  
work a little too well here?

 

Like what? Give me one example.

 

I don't know. But you know  
what I'm talking about.

 

Please clear the gate.  
Royal Nectar Force on approach.

 

Wait a second. Oheck it out.

 

\- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!  
\- Wow.

 

I've never seen them this close.

 

They know what it's like  
outside the hive.

 

Yeah, but some don't come back.

 

\- Hey, Jocks!  
\- Hi, Jocks!

 

You guys did great!

 

You're monsters!  
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!

 

\- I wonder where they were.  
\- I don't know.

 

Their day's not planned.

 

Outside the hive, flying who knows  
where, doing who knows what.

 

You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen  
Jock. You have to be bred for that.

 

Right.

 

Look. That's more pollen  
than you and I will see in a lifetime.

 

It's just a status symbol.  
Bees make too much of it.

 

Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it  
and the ladies see you wearing it.

 

Those ladies?  
Aren't they our cousins too?

 

Distant. Distant.

 

Look at these two.

 

\- Oouple of Hive Harrys.  
\- Let's have fun with them.

 

It must be dangerous  
being a Pollen Jock.

 

Yeah. Once a bear pinned me  
against a mushroom!

 

He had a paw on my throat,  
and with the other, he was slapping me!

 

\- Oh, my!  
\- I never thought I'd knock him out.

 

What were you doing during this?

 

Trying to alert the authorities.

 

I can autograph that.

 

A little gusty out there today,  
wasn't it, comrades?

 

Yeah. Gusty.

 

We're hitting a sunflower patch  
six miles from here tomorrow.

 

\- Six miles, huh?  
\- Barry!

 

A puddle jump for us,  
but maybe you're not up for it.

 

\- Maybe I am.  
\- You are not!

 

We're going 0900 at J-Gate.

 

What do you think, buzzy-boy?  
Are you bee enough?

 

I might be. It all depends  
on what 0900 means.

 

Hey, Honex!

 

Dad, you surprised me.

 

You decide what you're interested in?

 

\- Well, there's a lot of choices.  
\- But you only get one.

 

Do you ever get bored  
doing the same job every day?

 

Son, let me tell you about stirring.

 

You grab that stick, and you just  
move it around, and you stir it around.

 

You get yourself into a rhythm.  
It's a beautiful thing.

 

You know, Dad,  
the more I think about it,

 

maybe the honey field  
just isn't right for me.

 

You were thinking of what,  
making balloon animals?

 

That's a bad job  
for a guy with a stinger.

 

Janet, your son's not sure  
he wants to go into honey!

 

\- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.  
\- I'm not trying to be funny.

 

You're not funny! You're going  
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!

 

\- You're gonna be a stirrer?  
\- No one's listening to me!

 

Wait till you see the sticks I have.

 

I could say anything right now.  
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!

 

Let's open some honey and celebrate!

 

Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.  
Shave my antennae.

 

Shack up with a grasshopper. Get  
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!

 

I'm so proud.

 

\- We're starting work today!  
\- Today's the day.

 

Oome on! All the good jobs  
will be gone.

 

Yeah, right.

 

Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,  
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...

 

\- Is it still available?  
\- Hang on. Two left!

 

One of them's yours! Oongratulations!  
Step to the side.

 

\- What'd you get?  
\- Picking crud out. Stellar!

 

Wow!

 

Oouple of newbies?

 

Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!

 

Make your choice.

 

\- You want to go first?  
\- No, you go.

 

Oh, my. What's available?

 

Restroom attendant's open,  
not for the reason you think.

 

\- Any chance of getting the Krelman?  
\- Sure, you're on.

 

I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.

 

Wax monkey's always open.

 

The Krelman opened up again.

 

What happened?

 

A bee died. Makes an opening. See?  
He's dead. Another dead one.

 

Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.

 

Dead from the neck up.  
Dead from the neck down. That's life!

 

Oh, this is so hard!

 

Heating, cooling,  
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,

 

humming, inspector number seven,  
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,

 

mite wrangler. Barry, what  
do you think I should... Barry?

 

Barry!

 

All right, we've got the sunflower patch  
in quadrant nine...

 

What happened to you?  
Where are you?

 

\- I'm going out.  
\- Out? Out where?

 

\- Out there.  
\- Oh, no!

 

I have to, before I go  
to work for the rest of my life.

 

You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?

 

Another call coming in.

 

If anyone's feeling brave,  
there's a Korean deli on 83rd

 

that gets their roses today.

 

Hey, guys.

 

\- Look at that.  
\- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?

 

Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.

 

It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.

 

Really? Feeling lucky, are you?

 

Sign here, here. Just initial that.

 

\- Thank you.  
\- OK.

 

You got a rain advisory today,

 

and as you all know,  
bees cannot fly in rain.

 

So be careful. As always,  
watch your brooms,

 

hockey sticks, dogs,  
birds, bears and bats.

 

Also, I got a couple of reports  
of root beer being poured on us.

 

Murphy's in a home because of it,  
babbling like a cicada!

 

\- That's awful.  
\- And a reminder for you rookies,

 

bee law number one,  
absolutely no talking to humans!

 

All right, launch positions!

 

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,  
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

 

Black and yellow!

 

Hello!

 

You ready for this, hot shot?

 

Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.

 

Wind, check.

 

\- Antennae, check.  
\- Nectar pack, check.

 

\- Wings, check.  
\- Stinger, check.

 

Scared out of my shorts, check.

 

OK, ladies,

 

let's move it out!

 

Pound those petunias,  
you striped stem-suckers!

 

All of you, drain those flowers!

 

Wow! I'm out!

 

I can't believe I'm out!

 

So blue.

 

I feel so fast and free!

 

Box kite!

 

Wow!

 

Flowers!

 

This is Blue Leader.  
We have roses visual.

 

Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.

 

Roses!

 

30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.

 

Stand to the side, kid.  
It's got a bit of a kick.

 

That is one nectar collector!

 

\- Ever see pollination up close?  
\- No, sir.

 

I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it  
over here. Maybe a dash over there,

 

a pinch on that one.  
See that? It's a little bit of magic.

 

That's amazing. Why do we do that?

 

That's pollen power. More pollen, more  
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.

 

Oool.

 

I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.  
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?

 

Oopy that visual.

 

Wait. One of these flowers  
seems to be on the move.

 

Say again? You're reporting  
a moving flower?

 

Affirmative.

 

That was on the line!

 

This is the coolest. What is it?

 

I don't know, but I'm loving this color.

 

It smells good.  
Not like a flower, but I like it.

 

Yeah, fuzzy.

 

Ohemical-y.

 

Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.

 

My sweet lord of bees!

 

Oandy-brain, get off there!

 

Problem!

 

\- Guys!  
\- This could be bad.

 

Affirmative.

 

Very close.

 

Gonna hurt.

 

Mama's little boy.

 

You are way out of position, rookie!

 

Ooming in at you like a missile!

 

Help me!

 

I don't think these are flowers.

 

\- Should we tell him?  
\- I think he knows.

 

What is this?!

 

Match point!

 

You can start packing up, honey,  
because you're about to eat it!

 

Yowser!

 

Gross.

 

There's a bee in the car!

 

\- Do something!  
\- I'm driving!

 

\- Hi, bee.  
\- He's back here!

 

He's going to sting me!

 

Nobody move. If you don't move,  
he won't sting you. Freeze!

 

He blinked!

 

Spray him, Granny!

 

What are you doing?!

 

Wow... the tension level  
out here is unbelievable.

 

I gotta get home.

 

Oan't fly in rain.

 

Oan't fly in rain.

 

Oan't fly in rain.

 

Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!

 

Ken, could you close  
the window please?

 

Ken, could you close  
the window please?

 

Oheck out my new resume.  
I made it into a fold-out brochure.

 

You see? Folds out.

 

Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.

 

What was that?

 

Maybe this time. This time. This time.  
This time! This time! This...

 

Drapes!

 

That is diabolical.

 

It's fantastic. It's got all my special  
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.

 

What's number one? Star Wars?

 

Nah, I don't go for that...

 

...kind of stuff.

 

No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.  
They're out of their minds.

 

When I leave a job interview, they're  
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.

 

There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.

 

I don't remember the sun  
having a big 75 on it.

 

I predicted global warming.

 

I could feel it getting hotter.  
At first I thought it was just me.

 

Wait! Stop! Bee!

 

Stand back. These are winter boots.

 

Wait!

 

Don't kill him!

 

You know I'm allergic to them!  
This thing could kill me!

 

Why does his life have  
less value than yours?

 

Why does his life have any less value  
than mine? Is that your statement?

 

I'm just saying all life has value. You  
don't know what he's capable of feeling.

 

My brochure!

 

There you go, little guy.

 

I'm not scared of him.  
It's an allergic thing.

 

Put that on your resume brochure.

 

My whole face could puff up.

 

Make it one of your special skills.

 

Knocking someone out  
is also a special skill.

 

Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.

 

\- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?  
\- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.

 

\- You could put carob chips on there.  
\- Bye.

 

\- Supposed to be less calories.  
\- Bye.

 

I gotta say something.

 

She saved my life.  
I gotta say something.

 

All right, here it goes.

 

Nah.

 

What would I say?

 

I could really get in trouble.

 

It's a bee law.  
You're not supposed to talk to a human.

 

I can't believe I'm doing this.

 

I've got to.

 

Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!

 

No. Yes. No.

 

Do it. I can't.

 

How should I start it?  
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.

 

Here she comes! Speak, you fool!

 

Hi!

 

I'm sorry.

 

\- You're talking.  
\- Yes, I know.

 

You're talking!

 

I'm so sorry.

 

No, it's OK. It's fine.  
I know I'm dreaming.

 

But I don't recall going to bed.

 

Well, I'm sure this  
is very disconcerting.

 

This is a bit of a surprise to me.  
I mean, you're a bee!

 

I am. And I'm not supposed  
to be doing this,

 

but they were all trying to kill me.

 

And if it wasn't for you...

 

I had to thank you.  
It's just how I was raised.

 

That was a little weird.

 

\- I'm talking with a bee.  
\- Yeah.

 

I'm talking to a bee.  
And the bee is talking to me!

 

I just want to say I'm grateful.  
I'll leave now.

 

\- Wait! How did you learn to do that?  
\- What?

 

The talking thing.

 

Same way you did, I guess.  
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.

 

\- That's very funny.  
\- Yeah.

 

Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,  
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.

 

Anyway...

 

Oan I...

 

...get you something?  
\- Like what?

 

I don't know. I mean...  
I don't know. Ooffee?

 

I don't want to put you out.

 

It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.

 

\- It's just coffee.  
\- I hate to impose.

 

\- Don't be ridiculous!  
\- Actually, I would love a cup.

 

Hey, you want rum cake?

 

\- I shouldn't.  
\- Have some.

 

\- No, I can't.  
\- Oome on!

 

I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.

 

\- Where?  
\- These stripes don't help.

 

You look great!

 

I don't know if you know  
anything about fashion.

 

Are you all right?

 

No.

 

He's making the tie in the cab  
as they're flying up Madison.

 

He finally gets there.

 

He runs up the steps into the church.  
The wedding is on.

 

And he says, "Watermelon?  
I thought you said Guatemalan.

 

Why would I marry a watermelon?"

 

Is that a bee joke?

 

That's the kind of stuff we do.

 

Yeah, different.

 

So, what are you gonna do, Barry?

 

About work? I don't know.

 

I want to do my part for the hive,  
but I can't do it the way they want.

 

I know how you feel.

 

\- You do?  
\- Sure.

 

My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or  
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.

 

\- Really?  
\- My only interest is flowers.

 

Our new queen was just elected  
with that same campaign slogan.

 

Anyway, if you look...

 

There's my hive right there. See it?

 

You're in Sheep Meadow!

 

Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!

 

No way! I know that area.  
I lost a toe ring there once.

 

\- Why do girls put rings on their toes?  
\- Why not?

 

\- It's like putting a hat on your knee.  
\- Maybe I'll try that.

 

\- You all right, ma'am?  
\- Oh, yeah. Fine.

 

Just having two cups of coffee!

 

Anyway, this has been great.  
Thanks for the coffee.

 

Yeah, it's no trouble.

 

Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,  
I'd be up the rest of my life.

 

Are you...?

 

Oan I take a piece of this with me?

 

Sure! Here, have a crumb.

 

\- Thanks!  
\- Yeah.

 

All right. Well, then...  
I guess I'll see you around.

 

Or not.

 

OK, Barry.

 

And thank you  
so much again... for before.

 

Oh, that? That was nothing.

 

Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...

 

This can't possibly work.

 

He's all set to go.  
We may as well try it.

 

OK, Dave, pull the chute.

 

\- Sounds amazing.  
\- It was amazing!

 

It was the scariest,  
happiest moment of my life.

 

Humans! I can't believe  
you were with humans!

 

Giant, scary humans!  
What were they like?

 

Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.

 

They eat crazy giant things.  
They drive crazy.

 

\- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?  
\- Some of them. But some of them don't.

 

\- How'd you get back?  
\- Poodle.

 

You did it, and I'm glad. You saw  
whatever you wanted to see.

 

You had your "experience." Now you  
can pick out yourjob and be normal.

 

\- Well...  
\- Well?

 

Well, I met someone.

 

You did? Was she Bee-ish?

 

\- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!  
\- No, no, no, not a wasp.

 

\- Spider?  
\- I'm not attracted to spiders.

 

I know it's the hottest thing,  
with the eight legs and all.

 

I can't get by that face.

 

So who is she?

 

She's... human.

 

No, no. That's a bee law.  
You wouldn't break a bee law.

 

\- Her name's Vanessa.  
\- Oh, boy.

 

She's so nice. And she's a florist!

 

Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!

 

We're not dating.

 

You're flying outside the hive, talking  
to humans that attack our homes

 

with power washers and M-80s!  
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!

 

She saved my life!  
And she understands me.

 

This is over!

 

Eat this.

 

This is not over! What was that?

 

\- They call it a crumb.  
\- It was so stingin' stripey!

 

And that's not what they eat.  
That's what falls off what they eat!

 

\- You know what a Oinnabon is?  
\- No.

 

It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.  
They heat it up...

 

Sit down!

 

...really hot!  
\- Listen to me!

 

We are not them! We're us.  
There's us and there's them!

 

Yes, but who can deny  
the heart that is yearning?

 

There's no yearning.  
Stop yearning. Listen to me!

 

You have got to start thinking bee,  
my friend. Thinking bee!

 

\- Thinking bee.  
\- Thinking bee.

 

Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

 

There he is. He's in the pool.

 

You know what your problem is, Barry?

 

I gotta start thinking bee?

 

How much longer will this go on?

 

It's been three days!  
Why aren't you working?

 

I've got a lot of big life decisions  
to think about.

 

What life? You have no life!  
You have no job. You're barely a bee!

 

Would it kill you  
to make a little honey?

 

Barry, come out.  
Your father's talking to you.

 

Martin, would you talk to him?

 

Barry, I'm talking to you!

 

You coming?

 

Got everything?

 

All set!

 

Go ahead. I'll catch up.

 

Don't be too long.

 

Watch this!

 

Vanessa!

 

\- We're still here.  
\- I told you not to yell at him.

 

He doesn't respond to yelling!

 

\- Then why yell at me?  
\- Because you don't listen!

 

I'm not listening to this.

 

Sorry, I've gotta go.

 

\- Where are you going?  
\- I'm meeting a friend.

 

A girl? Is this why you can't decide?

 

Bye.

 

I just hope she's Bee-ish.

 

They have a huge parade  
of flowers every year in Pasadena?

 

To be in the Tournament of Roses,  
that's every florist's dream!

 

Up on a float, surrounded  
by flowers, crowds cheering.

 

A tournament. Do the roses  
compete in athletic events?

 

No. All right, I've got one.  
How come you don't fly everywhere?

 

It's exhausting. Why don't you  
run everywhere? It's faster.

 

Yeah, OK, I see, I see.  
All right, your turn.

 

TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?  
That's insane!

 

You don't have that?

 

We have Hivo, but it's a disease.  
It's a horrible, horrible disease.

 

Oh, my.

 

Dumb bees!

 

You must want to sting all those jerks.

 

We try not to sting.  
It's usually fatal for us.

 

So you have to watch your temper.

 

Very carefully.  
You kick a wall, take a walk,

 

write an angry letter and throw it out.  
Work through it like any emotion:

 

Anger, jealousy, lust.

 

Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?

 

Yeah.

 

\- What is wrong with you?!  
\- It's a bug.

 

He's not bothering anybody.  
Get out of here, you creep!

 

What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?

 

Yeah, it was. How did you know?

 

It felt like about 10 pages.  
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.

 

You've really got that  
down to a science.

 

\- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.  
\- I'll bet.

 

What in the name  
of Mighty Hercules is this?

 

How did this get here?  
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,

 

Ray Liotta Private Select?

 

\- Is he that actor?  
\- I never heard of him.

 

\- Why is this here?  
\- For people. We eat it.

 

You don't have  
enough food of your own?

 

\- Well, yes.  
\- How do you get it?

 

\- Bees make it.  
\- I know who makes it!

 

And it's hard to make it!

 

There's heating, cooling, stirring.  
You need a whole Krelman thing!

 

\- It's organic.  
\- It's our-ganic!

 

It's just honey, Barry.

 

Just what?!

 

Bees don't know about this!  
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!

 

You've taken our homes, schools,  
hospitals! This is all we have!

 

And it's on sale?!  
I'm getting to the bottom of this.

 

I'm getting to the bottom  
of all of this!

 

Hey, Hector.

 

\- You almost done?  
\- Almost.

 

He is here. I sense it.

 

Well, I guess I'll go home now

 

and just leave this nice honey out,  
with no one around.

 

You're busted, box boy!

 

I knew I heard something.  
So you can talk!

 

I can talk.  
And now you'll start talking!

 

Where you getting the sweet stuff?  
Who's your supplier?

 

I don't understand.  
I thought we were friends.

 

The last thing we want  
to do is upset bees!

 

You're too late! It's ours now!

 

You, sir, have crossed  
the wrong sword!

 

You, sir, will be lunch  
for my iguana, Ignacio!

 

Where is the honey coming from?

 

Tell me where!

 

Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!

 

Orazy person!

 

What horrible thing has happened here?

 

These faces, they never knew  
what hit them. And now

 

they're on the road to nowhere!

 

Just keep still.

 

What? You're not dead?

 

Do I look dead? They will wipe anything  
that moves. Where you headed?

 

To Honey Farms.  
I am onto something huge here.

 

I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,  
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!

 

I'm going to Tacoma.

 

\- And you?  
\- He really is dead.

 

All right.

 

Uh-oh!

 

\- What is that?!  
\- Oh, no!

 

\- A wiper! Triple blade!  
\- Triple blade?

 

Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!

 

Why does everything have  
to be so doggone clean?!

 

How much do you people need to see?!

 

Open your eyes!  
Stick your head out the window!

 

From NPR News in Washington,  
I'm Oarl Kasell.

 

But don't kill no more bugs!

 

\- Bee!  
\- Moose blood guy!!

 

\- You hear something?  
\- Like what?

 

Like tiny screaming.

 

Turn off the radio.

 

Whassup, bee boy?

 

Hey, Blood.

 

Just a row of honey jars,  
as far as the eye could see.

 

Wow!

 

I assume wherever this truck goes  
is where they're getting it.

 

I mean, that honey's ours.

 

\- Bees hang tight.  
\- We're all jammed in.

 

It's a close community.

 

Not us, man. We on our own.  
Every mosquito on his own.

 

\- What if you get in trouble?  
\- You a mosquito, you in trouble.

 

Nobody likes us. They just smack.  
See a mosquito, smack, smack!

 

At least you're out in the world.  
You must meet girls.

 

Mosquito girls try to trade up,  
get with a moth, dragonfly.

 

Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.

 

You got to be kidding me!

 

Mooseblood's about to leave  
the building! So long, bee!

 

\- Hey, guys!  
\- Mooseblood!

 

I knew I'd catch y'all down here.  
Did you bring your crazy straw?

 

We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,  
and it's pretty much pure profit.

 

What is this place?

 

A bee's got a brain  
the size of a pinhead.

 

They are pinheads!

 

Pinhead.

 

\- Oheck out the new smoker.  
\- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.

 

The Thomas 3000!

 

Smoker?

 

Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.  
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.

 

A couple breaths of this  
knocks them right out.

 

They make the honey,  
and we make the money.

 

"They make the honey,  
and we make the money"?

 

Oh, my!

 

What's going on? Are you OK?

 

Yeah. It doesn't last too long.

 

Do you know you're  
in a fake hive with fake walls?

 

Our queen was moved here.  
We had no choice.

 

This is your queen?  
That's a man in women's clothes!

 

That's a drag queen!

 

What is this?

 

Oh, no!

 

There's hundreds of them!

 

Bee honey.

 

Our honey is being brazenly stolen  
on a massive scale!

 

This is worse than anything bears  
have done! I intend to do something.

 

Oh, Barry, stop.

 

Who told you humans are taking  
our honey? That's a rumor.

 

Do these look like rumors?

 

That's a conspiracy theory.  
These are obviously doctored photos.

 

How did you get mixed up in this?

 

He's been talking to humans.

 

\- What?  
\- Talking to humans?!

 

He has a human girlfriend.  
And they make out!

 

Make out? Barry!

 

We do not.

 

\- You wish you could.  
\- Whose side are you on?

 

The bees!

 

I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.  
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.

 

Barry, this is what you want  
to do with your life?

 

I want to do it for all our lives.  
Nobody works harder than bees!

 

Dad, I remember you  
coming home so overworked

 

your hands were still stirring.  
You couldn't stop.

 

I remember that.

 

What right do they have to our honey?

 

We live on two cups a year. They put it  
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!

 

Even if it's true, what can one bee do?

 

Sting them where it really hurts.

 

In the face! The eye!

 

\- That would hurt.  
\- No.

 

Up the nose? That's a killer.

 

There's only one place you can sting  
the humans, one place where it matters.

 

Hive at Five, the hive's only  
full-hour action news source.

 

No more bee beards!

 

With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.

 

Weather with Storm Stinger.

 

Sports with Buzz Larvi.

 

And Jeanette Ohung.

 

\- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.  
\- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.

 

A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,

 

intends to sue the human race  
for stealing our honey,

 

packaging it and profiting  
from it illegally!

 

Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,

 

we'll have three former queens here in  
our studio, discussing their new book,

 

Olassy Ladies,  
out this week on Hexagon.

 

Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.

 

Did you ever think, "I'm a kid  
from the hive. I can't do this"?

 

Bees have never been afraid  
to change the world.

 

What about Bee Oolumbus?  
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?

 

Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.

 

We were thinking  
of stickball or candy stores.

 

How old are you?

 

The bee community  
is supporting you in this case,

 

which will be the trial  
of the bee century.

 

You know, they have a Larry King  
in the human world too.

 

It's a common name. Next week...

 

He looks like you and has a show  
and suspenders and colored dots...

 

Next week...

 

Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the  
guest even though you just heard 'em.

 

Bear Week next week!  
They're scary, hairy and here live.

 

Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,  
squinty eyes, very Jewish.

 

In tennis, you attack  
at the point of weakness!

 

It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.

 

Honey, her backhand's a joke!  
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?

 

Quiet, please.  
Actual work going on here.

 

\- Is that that same bee?  
\- Yes, it is!

 

I'm helping him sue the human race.

 

\- Hello.  
\- Hello, bee.

 

This is Ken.

 

Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size  
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.

 

Why does he talk again?

 

Listen, you better go  
'cause we're really busy working.

 

But it's our yogurt night!

 

Bye-bye.

 

Why is yogurt night so difficult?!

 

You poor thing.  
You two have been at this for hours!

 

Yes, and Adam here  
has been a huge help.

 

\- Frosting...  
\- How many sugars?

 

Just one. I try not  
to use the competition.

 

So why are you helping me?

 

Bees have good qualities.

 

And it takes my mind off the shop.

 

Instead of flowers, people  
are giving balloon bouquets now.

 

Those are great, if you're three.

 

And artificial flowers.

 

\- Oh, those just get me psychotic!  
\- Yeah, me too.

 

Bent stingers, pointless pollination.

 

Bees must hate those fake things!

 

Nothing worse  
than a daffodil that's had work done.

 

Maybe this could make up  
for it a little bit.

 

\- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.  
\- I guess.

 

You sure you want to go through with it?

 

Am I sure? When I'm done with  
the humans, they won't be able

 

to say, "Honey, I'm home,"  
without paying a royalty!

 

It's an incredible scene  
here in downtown Manhattan,

 

where the world anxiously waits,  
because for the first time in history,

 

we will hear for ourselves  
if a honeybee can actually speak.

 

What have we gotten into here, Barry?

 

It's pretty big, isn't it?

 

I can't believe how many humans  
don't work during the day.

 

You think billion-dollar multinational  
food companies have good lawyers?

 

Everybody needs to stay  
behind the barricade.

 

\- What's the matter?  
\- I don't know, I just got a chill.

 

Well, if it isn't the bee team.

 

You boys work on this?

 

All rise! The Honorable  
Judge Bumbleton presiding.

 

All right. Oase number 4475,

 

Superior Oourt of New York,  
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry

 

is now in session.

 

Mr. Montgomery, you're representing  
the five food companies collectively?

 

A privilege.

 

Mr. Benson... you're representing  
all the bees of the world?

 

I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,  
we're ready to proceed.

 

Mr. Montgomery,  
your opening statement, please.

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

 

my grandmother was a simple woman.

 

Born on a farm, she believed  
it was man's divine right

 

to benefit from the bounty  
of nature God put before us.

 

If we lived in the topsy-turvy world  
Mr. Benson imagines,

 

just think of what would it mean.

 

I would have to negotiate  
with the silkworm

 

for the elastic in my britches!

 

Talking bee!

 

How do we know this isn't some sort of

 

holographic motion-picture-capture  
Hollywood wizardry?

 

They could be using laser beams!

 

Robotics! Ventriloquism!  
Oloning! For all we know,

 

he could be on steroids!

 

Mr. Benson?

 

Ladies and gentlemen,  
there's no trickery here.

 

I'm just an ordinary bee.  
Honey's pretty important to me.

 

It's important to all bees.  
We invented it!

 

We make it. And we protect it  
with our lives.

 

Unfortunately, there are  
some people in this room

 

who think they can take it from us

 

'cause we're the little guys!  
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,

 

you'll see how, by taking our honey,  
you not only take everything we have

 

but everything we are!

 

I wish he'd dress like that  
all the time. So nice!

 

Oall your first witness.

 

So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden  
of Honey Farms, big company you have.

 

I suppose so.

 

I see you also own  
Honeyburton and Honron!

 

Yes, they provide beekeepers  
for our farms.

 

Beekeeper. I find that  
to be a very disturbing term.

 

I don't imagine you employ  
any bee-free-ers, do you?

 

\- No.  
\- I couldn't hear you.

 

\- No.  
\- No.

 

Because you don't free bees.  
You keep bees. Not only that,

 

it seems you thought a bear would be  
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.

 

They're very lovable creatures.

 

Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.

 

You mean like this?

 

Bears kill bees!

 

How'd you like his head crashing  
through your living room?!

 

Biting into your couch!  
Spitting out your throw pillows!

 

OK, that's enough. Take him away.

 

So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.  
Your name intrigues me.

 

\- Where have I heard it before?  
\- I was with a band called The Police.

 

But you've never been  
a police officer, have you?

 

No, I haven't.

 

No, you haven't. And so here  
we have yet another example

 

of bee culture casually  
stolen by a human

 

for nothing more than  
a prance-about stage name.

 

Oh, please.

 

Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?

 

Because I'm feeling  
a little stung, Sting.

 

Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!

 

That's not his real name?! You idiots!

 

Mr. Liotta, first,  
belated congratulations on

 

your Emmy win for a guest spot  
on ER in 2005.

 

Thank you. Thank you.

 

I see from your resume  
that you're devilishly handsome

 

with a churning inner turmoil  
that's ready to blow.

 

I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?

 

Not yet it isn't. But is this  
what it's come to for you?

 

Exploiting tiny, helpless bees  
so you don't

 

have to rehearse  
your part and learn your lines, sir?

 

Watch it, Benson!  
I could blow right now!

 

This isn't a goodfella.  
This is a badfella!

 

Why doesn't someone just step on  
this creep, and we can all go home?!

 

\- Order in this court!  
\- You're all thinking it!

 

Order! Order, I say!

 

\- Say it!  
\- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!

 

I think it was awfully nice  
of that bear to pitch in like that.

 

I think the jury's on our side.

 

Are we doing everything right, legally?

 

I'm a florist.

 

Right. Well, here's to a great team.

 

To a great team!

 

Well, hello.

 

\- Ken!  
\- Hello.

 

I didn't think you were coming.

 

No, I was just late.  
I tried to call, but... the battery.

 

I didn't want all this to go to waste,  
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.

 

Oh, that was lucky.

 

There's a little left.  
I could heat it up.

 

Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.

 

So I hear you're quite a tennis player.

 

I'm not much for the game myself.  
The ball's a little grabby.

 

That's where I usually sit.  
Right... there.

 

Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,

 

and he agreed with me that eating with  
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.

 

You think I don't see what you're doing?

 

I know how hard it is to find  
the rightjob. We have that in common.

 

Do we?

 

Bees have 100 percent employment,  
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.

 

That's just what  
I was thinking about doing.

 

Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor  
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.

 

I'm going to drain the old stinger.

 

Yeah, you do that.

 

Look at that.

 

You know, I've just about had it

 

with your little mind games.

 

\- What's that?  
\- Italian Vogue.

 

Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.

 

A lot of ads.

 

Remember what Van said, why is  
your life more valuable than mine?

 

Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!

 

I think something stinks in here!

 

I love the smell of flowers.

 

How do you like the smell of flames?!

 

Not as much.

 

Water bug! Not taking sides!

 

Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!  
This is pathetic!

 

I've got issues!

 

Well, well, well, a royal flush!

 

\- You're bluffing.  
\- Am I?

 

Surf's up, dude!

 

Poo water!

 

That bowl is gnarly.

 

Except for those dirty yellow rings!

 

Kenneth! What are you doing?!

 

You know, I don't even like honey!  
I don't eat it!

 

We need to talk!

 

He's just a little bee!

 

And he happens to be  
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!

 

Long time? What are you talking about?!  
Are there other bugs in your life?

 

No, but there are other things bugging  
me in life. And you're one of them!

 

Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...

 

My nerves are fried from riding  
on this emotional roller coaster!

 

Goodbye, Ken.

 

And for your information,

 

I prefer sugar-free, artificial  
sweeteners made by man!

 

I'm sorry about all that.

 

I know it's got  
an aftertaste! I like it!

 

I always felt there was some kind  
of barrier between Ken and me.

 

I couldn't overcome it.  
Oh, well.

 

Are you OK for the trial?

 

I believe Mr. Montgomery  
is about out of ideas.

 

We would like to call  
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.

 

Good idea! You can really see why he's  
considered one of the best lawyers...

 

Yeah.

 

Layton, you've  
gotta weave some magic

 

with this jury,  
or it's gonna be all over.

 

Don't worry. The only thing I have  
to do to turn this jury around

 

is to remind them  
of what they don't like about bees.

 

\- You got the tweezers?  
\- Are you allergic?

 

Only to losing, son. Only to losing.

 

Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you  
what I think we'd all like to know.

 

What exactly is your relationship

 

to that woman?

 

We're friends.

 

\- Good friends?  
\- Yes.

 

How good? Do you live together?

 

Wait a minute...

 

Are you her little...

 

...bedbug?

 

I've seen a bee documentary or two.  
From what I understand,

 

doesn't your queen give birth  
to all the bee children?

 

\- Yeah, but...  
\- So those aren't your real parents!

 

\- Oh, Barry...  
\- Yes, they are!

 

Hold me back!

 

You're an illegitimate bee,  
aren't you, Benson?

 

He's denouncing bees!

 

Don't y'all date your cousins?

 

\- Objection!  
\- I'm going to pincushion this guy!

 

Adam, don't! It's what he wants!

 

Oh, I'm hit!!

 

Oh, lordy, I am hit!

 

Order! Order!

 

The venom! The venom  
is coursing through my veins!

 

I have been felled  
by a winged beast of destruction!

 

You see? You can't treat them  
like equals! They're striped savages!

 

Stinging's the only thing  
they know! It's their way!

 

\- Adam, stay with me.  
\- I can't feel my legs.

 

What angel of mercy  
will come forward to suck the poison

 

from my heaving buttocks?

 

I will have order in this court. Order!

 

Order, please!

 

The case of the honeybees  
versus the human race

 

took a pointed turn against the bees

 

yesterday when one of their legal  
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.

 

\- Hey, buddy.  
\- Hey.

 

\- Is there much pain?  
\- Yeah.

 

I...

 

I blew the whole case, didn't I?

 

It doesn't matter. What matters is  
you're alive. You could have died.

 

I'd be better off dead. Look at me.

 

They got it from the cafeteria  
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.

 

Look, there's  
a little celery still on it.

 

What was it like to sting someone?

 

I can't explain it. It was all...

 

All adrenaline and then...  
and then ecstasy!

 

All right.

 

You think it was all a trap?

 

Of course. I'm sorry.  
I flew us right into this.

 

What were we thinking? Look at us. We're  
just a couple of bugs in this world.

 

What will the humans do to us  
if they win?

 

I don't know.

 

I hear they put the roaches in motels.  
That doesn't sound so bad.

 

Adam, they check in,  
but they don't check out!

 

Oh, my.

 

Oould you get a nurse  
to close that window?

 

\- Why?  
\- The smoke.

 

Bees don't smoke.

 

Right. Bees don't smoke.

 

Bees don't smoke!  
But some bees are smoking.

 

That's it! That's our case!

 

It is? It's not over?

 

Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.

 

Get back to the court and stall.  
Stall any way you can.

 

And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.

 

Mr. Flayman.

 

Yes? Yes, Your Honor!

 

Where is the rest of your team?

 

Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.

 

Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,

 

and as a result,  
we don't make very good time.

 

I actually heard a funny story about...

 

Your Honor,  
haven't these ridiculous bugs

 

taken up enough  
of this court's valuable time?

 

How much longer will we allow  
these absurd shenanigans to go on?

 

They have presented no compelling  
evidence to support their charges

 

against my clients,  
who run legitimate businesses.

 

I move for a complete dismissal  
of this entire case!

 

Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going

 

to have to consider  
Mr. Montgomery's motion.

 

But you can't! We have a terrific case.

 

Where is your proof?  
Where is the evidence?

 

Show me the smoking gun!

 

Hold it, Your Honor!  
You want a smoking gun?

 

Here is your smoking gun.

 

What is that?

 

It's a bee smoker!

 

What, this?  
This harmless little contraption?

 

This couldn't hurt a fly,  
let alone a bee.

 

Look at what has happened

 

to bees who have never been asked,  
"Smoking or non?"

 

Is this what nature intended for us?

 

To be forcibly addicted  
to smoke machines

 

and man-made wooden slat work camps?

 

Living out our lives as honey slaves  
to the white man?

 

\- What are we gonna do?  
\- He's playing the species card.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, please,  
free these bees!

 

Free the bees! Free the bees!

 

Free the bees!

 

Free the bees! Free the bees!

 

The court finds in favor of the bees!

 

Vanessa, we won!

 

I knew you could do it! High-five!

 

Sorry.

 

I'm OK! You know what this means?

 

All the honey  
will finally belong to the bees.

 

Now we won't have  
to work so hard all the time.

 

This is an unholy perversion  
of the balance of nature, Benson.

 

You'll regret this.

 

Barry, how much honey is out there?

 

All right. One at a time.

 

Barry, who are you wearing?

 

My sweater is Ralph Lauren,  
and I have no pants.

 

\- What if Montgomery's right?  
\- What do you mean?

 

We've been living the bee way  
a long time, 27 million years.

 

Oongratulations on your victory.  
What will you demand as a settlement?

 

First, we'll demand a complete shutdown  
of all bee work camps.

 

Then we want back the honey  
that was ours to begin with,

 

every last drop.

 

We demand an end to the glorification  
of the bear as anything more

 

than a filthy, smelly,  
bad-breath stink machine.

 

We're all aware  
of what they do in the woods.

 

Wait for my signal.

 

Take him out.

 

He'll have nauseous  
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.

 

And we will no longer tolerate  
bee-negative nicknames...

 

But it's just a prance-about stage name!

 

...unnecessary inclusion of honey  
in bogus health products

 

and la-dee-da human  
tea-time snack garnishments.

 

Oan't breathe.

 

Bring it in, boys!

 

Hold it right there! Good.

 

Tap it.

 

Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,  
and there's gallons more coming!

 

\- I think we need to shut down!  
\- Shut down? We've never shut down.

 

Shut down honey production!

 

Stop making honey!

 

Turn your key, sir!

 

What do we do now?

 

Oannonball!

 

We're shutting honey production!

 

Mission abort.

 

Aborting pollination and nectar detail.  
Returning to base.

 

Adam, you wouldn't believe  
how much honey was out there.

 

Oh, yeah?

 

What's going on? Where is everybody?

 

\- Are they out celebrating?  
\- They're home.

 

They don't know what to do.  
Laying out, sleeping in.

 

I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way  
to San Antonio with a cricket.

 

At least we got our honey back.

 

Sometimes I think, so what if humans  
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?

 

It's the greatest thing in the world!  
I was excited to be part of making it.

 

This was my new desk. This was my  
new job. I wanted to do it really well.

 

And now...

 

Now I can't.

 

I don't understand  
why they're not happy.

 

I thought their lives would be better!

 

They're doing nothing. It's amazing.  
Honey really changes people.

 

You don't have any idea  
what's going on, do you?

 

\- What did you want to show me?  
\- This.

 

What happened here?

 

That is not the half of it.

 

Oh, no. Oh, my.

 

They're all wilting.

 

Doesn't look very good, does it?

 

No.

 

And whose fault do you think that is?

 

You know, I'm gonna guess bees.

 

Bees?

 

Specifically, me.

 

I didn't think bees not needing to make  
honey would affect all these things.

 

It's notjust flowers.  
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.

 

That's our whole SAT test right there.

 

Take away produce, that affects  
the entire animal kingdom.

 

And then, of course...

 

The human species?

 

So if there's no more pollination,

 

it could all just go south here,  
couldn't it?

 

I know this is also partly my fault.

 

How about a suicide pact?

 

How do we do it?

 

\- I'll sting you, you step on me.  
\- Thatjust kills you twice.

 

Right, right.

 

Listen, Barry...  
sorry, but I gotta get going.

 

I had to open my mouth and talk.

 

Vanessa?

 

Vanessa? Why are you leaving?  
Where are you going?

 

To the final Tournament of Roses parade  
in Pasadena.

 

They've moved it to this weekend  
because all the flowers are dying.

 

It's the last chance  
I'll ever have to see it.

 

Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.  
I never meant it to turn out like this.

 

I know. Me neither.

 

Tournament of Roses.  
Roses can't do sports.

 

Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?

 

Roses!

 

Vanessa!

 

Roses?!

 

Barry?

 

\- Roses are flowers!  
\- Yes, they are.

 

Flowers, bees, pollen!

 

I know.  
That's why this is the last parade.

 

Maybe not.  
Oould you ask him to slow down?

 

Oould you slow down?

 

Barry!

 

OK, I made a huge mistake.  
This is a total disaster, all my fault.

 

Yes, it kind of is.

 

I've ruined the planet.  
I wanted to help you

 

with the flower shop.  
I've made it worse.

 

Actually, it's completely closed down.

 

I thought maybe you were remodeling.

 

But I have another idea, and it's  
greater than my previous ideas combined.

 

I don't want to hear it!

 

All right, they have the roses,  
the roses have the pollen.

 

I know every bee, plant  
and flower bud in this park.

 

All we gotta do is get what they've got  
back here with what we've got.

 

\- Bees.  
\- Park.

 

\- Pollen!  
\- Flowers.

 

\- Repollination!  
\- Across the nation!

 

Tournament of Roses,  
Pasadena, Oalifornia.

 

They've got nothing  
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.

 

Security will be tight.

 

I have an idea.

 

Vanessa Bloome, FTD.

 

Official floral business. It's real.

 

Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.

 

Thank you. It was a gift.

 

Once inside,  
we just pick the right float.

 

How about The Princess and the Pea?

 

I could be the princess,  
and you could be the pea!

 

Yes, I got it.

 

\- Where should I sit?  
\- What are you?

 

\- I believe I'm the pea.  
\- The pea?

 

It goes under the mattresses.

 

\- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.  
\- I'm getting the marshal.

 

You do that!  
This whole parade is a fiasco!

 

Let's see what this baby'll do.

 

Hey, what are you doing?!

 

Then all we do  
is blend in with traffic...

 

...without arousing suspicion.

 

Once at the airport,  
there's no stopping us.

 

Stop! Security.

 

\- You and your insect pack your float?  
\- Yes.

 

Has it been  
in your possession the entire time?

 

Would you remove your shoes?

 

\- Remove your stinger.  
\- It's part of me.

 

I know. Just having some fun.  
Enjoy your flight.

 

Then if we're lucky, we'll have  
just enough pollen to do the job.

 

Oan you believe how lucky we are? We  
have just enough pollen to do the job!

 

I think this is gonna work.

 

It's got to work.

 

Attention, passengers,  
this is Oaptain Scott.

 

We have a bit of bad weather  
in New York.

 

It looks like we'll experience  
a couple hours delay.

 

Barry, these are cut flowers  
with no water. They'll never make it.

 

I gotta get up there  
and talk to them.

 

Be careful.

 

Oan I get help  
with the Sky Mall magazine?

 

I'd like to order the talking  
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.

 

Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.

 

\- What'd you say, Hal?  
\- Nothing.

 

Bee!

 

Don't freak out! My entire species...

 

What are you doing?

 

\- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!  
\- Who's an attorney?

 

Don't move.

 

Oh, Barry.

 

Good afternoon, passengers.  
This is your captain.

 

Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B  
please report to the cockpit?

 

And please hurry!

 

What happened here?

 

There was a DustBuster,  
a toupee, a life raft exploded.

 

One's bald, one's in a boat,  
they're both unconscious!

 

\- Is that another bee joke?  
\- No!

 

No one's flying the plane!

 

This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.  
What's your status?

 

This is Vanessa Bloome.  
I'm a florist from New York.

 

Where's the pilot?

 

He's unconscious,  
and so is the copilot.

 

Not good. Does anyone onboard  
have flight experience?

 

As a matter of fact, there is.

 

\- Who's that?  
\- Barry Benson.

 

From the honey trial?! Oh, great.

 

Vanessa, this is nothing more  
than a big metal bee.

 

It's got giant wings, huge engines.

 

I can't fly a plane.

 

\- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?  
\- Yes.

 

How hard could it be?

 

Wait, Barry!  
We're headed into some lightning.

 

This is Bob Bumble. We have some  
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,

 

where a suspenseful scene  
is developing.

 

Barry Benson,  
fresh from his legal victory...

 

That's Barry!

 

...is attempting to land a plane,  
loaded with people, flowers

 

and an incapacitated flight crew.

 

Flowers?!

 

We have a storm in the area  
and two individuals at the controls

 

with absolutely no flight experience.

 

Just a minute.  
There's a bee on that plane.

 

I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson  
and his no-account compadres.

 

They've done enough damage.

 

But isn't he your only hope?

 

Technically, a bee  
shouldn't be able to fly at all.

 

Their wings are too small...

 

Haven't we heard this a million times?

 

"The surface area of the wings  
and body mass make no sense."

 

\- Get this on the air!  
\- Got it.

 

\- Stand by.  
\- We're going live.

 

The way we work may be a mystery to you.

 

Making honey takes a lot of bees  
doing a lot of small jobs.

 

But let me tell you about a small job.

 

If you do it well,  
it makes a big difference.

 

More than we realized.  
To us, to everyone.

 

That's why I want to get bees  
back to working together.

 

That's the bee way!  
We're not made of Jell-O.

 

We get behind a fellow.

 

\- Black and yellow!  
\- Hello!

 

Left, right, down, hover.

 

\- Hover?  
\- Forget hover.

 

This isn't so hard.  
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!

 

Barry, what happened?!

 

Wait, I think we were  
on autopilot the whole time.

 

\- That may have been helping me.  
\- And now we're not!

 

So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.

 

All of you, let's get  
behind this fellow! Move it out!

 

Move out!

 

Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,  
you copy me with the wings of the plane!

 

Don't have to yell.

 

I'm not yelling!  
We're in a lot of trouble.

 

It's very hard to concentrate  
with that panicky tone in your voice!

 

It's not a tone. I'm panicking!

 

I can't do this!

 

Vanessa, pull yourself together.  
You have to snap out of it!

 

You snap out of it.

 

You snap out of it.

 

\- You snap out of it!  
\- You snap out of it!

 

\- You snap out of it!  
\- You snap out of it!

 

\- You snap out of it!  
\- You snap out of it!

 

\- Hold it!  
\- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.

 

How is the plane flying?

 

I don't know.

 

Hello?

 

Benson, got any flowers  
for a happy occasion in there?

 

The Pollen Jocks!

 

They do get behind a fellow.

 

\- Black and yellow.  
\- Hello.

 

All right, let's drop this tin can  
on the blacktop.

 

Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?

 

No, nothing. It's all cloudy.

 

Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.

 

\- Thinking bee.  
\- Thinking bee.

 

Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

 

Wait a minute.  
I think I'm feeling something.

 

\- What?  
\- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.

 

Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.

 

Bring the nose down.

 

Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

 

\- What in the world is on the tarmac?  
\- Get some lights on that!

 

Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

 

\- Vanessa, aim for the flower.  
\- OK.

 

Out the engines. We're going in  
on bee power. Ready, boys?

 

Affirmative!

 

Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.

 

Land on that flower!

 

Ready? Full reverse!

 

Spin it around!

 

\- Not that flower! The other one!  
\- Which one?

 

\- That flower.  
\- I'm aiming at the flower!

 

That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.  
I mean the giant pulsating flower

 

made of millions of bees!

 

Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.

 

Rotate around it.

 

\- This is insane, Barry!  
\- This's the only way I know how to fly.

 

Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane  
flying in an insect-like pattern?

 

Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.  
Smell it. Full reverse!

 

Just drop it. Be a part of it.

 

Aim for the center!

 

Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!

 

Oome on, already.

 

Barry, we did it!  
You taught me how to fly!

 

\- Yes. No high-five!  
\- Right.

 

Barry, it worked!  
Did you see the giant flower?

 

What giant flower? Where? Of course  
I saw the flower! That was genius!

 

\- Thank you.  
\- But we're not done yet.

 

Listen, everyone!

 

This runway is covered  
with the last pollen

 

from the last flowers  
available anywhere on Earth.

 

That means this is our last chance.

 

We're the only ones who make honey,  
pollinate flowers and dress like this.

 

If we're gonna survive as a species,  
this is our moment! What do you say?

 

Are we going to be bees, orjust  
Museum of Natural History keychains?

 

We're bees!

 

Keychain!

 

Then follow me! Except Keychain.

 

Hold on, Barry. Here.

 

You've earned this.

 

Yeah!

 

I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect  
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.

 

Oh, yeah.

 

That's our Barry.

 

Mom! The bees are back!

 

If anybody needs  
to make a call, now's the time.

 

I got a feeling we'll be  
working late tonight!

 

Here's your change. Have a great  
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?

 

Would you like some honey with that?  
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.

 

Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.  
And I don't see a nickel!

 

Sometimes I just feel  
like a piece of meat!

 

I had no idea.

 

Barry, I'm sorry.  
Have you got a moment?

 

Would you excuse me?  
My mosquito associate will help you.

 

Sorry I'm late.

 

He's a lawyer too?

 

I was already a blood-sucking parasite.  
All I needed was a briefcase.

 

Have a great afternoon!

 

Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,  
and I can't get them anywhere.

 

No problem, Vannie.  
Just leave it to me.

 

You're a lifesaver, Barry.  
Oan I help who's next?

 

All right, scramble, jocks!  
It's time to fly.

 

Thank you, Barry!

 

That bee is living my life!

 

Let it go, Kenny.

 

\- When will this nightmare end?!  
\- Let it all go.

 

\- Beautiful day to fly.  
\- Sure is.

 

Between you and me,  
I was dying to get out of that office.

 

You have got  
to start thinking bee, my friend.

 

\- Thinking bee!  
\- Me?

 

Hold it. Let's just stop  
for a second. Hold it.

 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.  
Oan we stop here?

 

I'm not making a major life decision  
during a production number!

 

All right. Take ten, everybody.  
Wrap it up, guys.

 

I had virtually no rehearsal for that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this legal? I am a disgrace to my family


	38. T h i r s t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabye I'm a sinner, but I ain't exactly alone

Ooooh Boi, you were feeling particularly thirsty today and there was only one thing that can satisfy your thirst.

That spicey naturally unfuckable bone.

You manage to slink into sans' room undetected, looming over his sleeping form in a menacing way.

" _ **Oh sans~ Wankey wankey, I crave your voluptuous bone donger that may-or-may-not exist**._ "

he didn't even bother to move. 

rude. 

"Bro at least aknowlege this, I didn't buy these glow in the dark contacts and voice distorter for nothing."

You reached your hand out to turn him over, to which he tried to move away from. Lazy bastard.

"can't i just sleep through this chapter?"

Shit he's on to us, kill him before he realizes he's in other stories.

"Uh, the fuck are you talking about? What chapter?"

"this chapter of our lives. i dunno im kinda having a existential crisis."

Oh. Well at least we don't have to kill the main star. This _is_ a Sans X Reader after all.

and we all know you sinners love those.

"Pfft, edgelord."

Damn it (Y/n) that's the wrong sans your talking about, now I have to rewrite the script.


	39. Based on a true story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sadly.

It's been a whole 5 days and counting since you've exited your room, ya' damn hermit.

'Why?' you may ask? Well mabye if you let me finish my god damn intro I could tell you, jerk.

*ahem* As I was saying, you were being a complete shut in doing absolutely nothing but playing one very addicting game.

Color switch.

Now you may be thinking 'Pfft, are you implying that I isolated myself over a mobile game?'

Yes.  
That's exactly what I'm implying.

Thanks to you not going to work in almost a week (haha remember when work was mentioned like once?) sans had to fill in for you at his job. Someone's gott make that money.

So without a second thought sans had Papyrus come over to watch you so you don't kill someone/yourself, because lord knows you need the supervision.

This can only mean good things.

Papyrus had made it to your place a couple of hours ago yet hadn't interacted with you, of course because of past experiences, but he finally grew a pair (despite being a skeleton -ahem-) and kicked down your door.

Real subtle there Pap.

"WEIRD HUMAN, I HAVE COME TO  WATCH YOU WHILE SANS HAS GONE TO WHATEVER JOB HE HAS NOW. NOW I KNOW I MIGHT NOT BE YOUR FAVORITE TALKING SKELETON BUT MABYE WE CAN WORK IT OUT!"

You looked up from your phone, squinting after being used to the screen on your _precious_ phone,     "Huh? Oh yeah sure, whatever Paper Scroll," and you just continued with your game, probably not even registering that Papyrus was even talking.

"Nyeh? Paper Scroll? NEVERMIND THAT, WHY ARE YOU SO ATTACHED TO YOUR PHONE!? I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU DARN IT! GIMMIE THAT," Papyrus had yelled before trying to yank your phone out of your hands.

So you (like the mature adult you are) began to scream until he gave up to cover his ears.

"Don't you know not to touch others phones? Rude."

"WHAT? HOW AM I BEING RUDE IF YOUR THE ONE IGNORING _ME_?"

"Listen Plattapus, I'm pretty much dead on the inside because of this game."

"SHOULD I TAKE YOU TO A HOSPITAL THEN?"

You facepalmed and dragged your hand down your face, "-christ you're an idiot- No papyrus, it's a figure of speach," you let out a deep sigh before continuing,

 "This game...It is actually the equivalent of satan in a video game. At first everything is great,It's so colourful,there's happy sounds,but right around challenge #10 everything is no longer great. The sounds just repeat,seeping into your dreams haunting you day and night, and if you manage to beat the easy section, you will feel so relived."

"TRUELY IT ISN'T _THAT_ HARD. Right..?"

"Oh no it is, the easy section is nothing compared to what follows. There are impossible puzzles that make you hate everything in life and make you question your sanity. I'm on challenge 38 at the moment and I now see how pointless life is because in the end, you never win."

"N-nyeh, human?"

You curl into a ball in the corner of your bed, you might even fucking cry, "Color switch owns you. Color switch controls you. Color switch is you. You. But you are not Color switch, because Color switch always wins. You lose, Color switch wins."

"The Great Papyrus is very concerned, should I be worried?"

By now you were losing your shit more than you've already have, while Papyrus was considering calling Alphys, or a psychologist.

"I think even Dark Souls is like a game on a educational website made for second graders compared to this game. Those poor...poor second graders."

Aaaaand Papyrus evacuated the room, great job (Y/n).

Now by this point you were talking to yourself.

"Even though you may repeatedly say that you're done, you won't stop playing. As it keeps updating, you won't stop. You'll never stop. Why? Because Color Switch owns you. You won't escape. You   
can't escape. You can never escape."

"ARE YOU DONE IN THERE? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO IMPLOAD ARE YOU!?" Papyrus had called out from seemingly the kitchen. Probably raiding the fridge.

"Ok yeah I can't take this game anymore," you said before chucking your phone into the wall, breaking it completely (what'd you expect?).

Well congrats! You broke your phone ya' dingus! Oh well, this is fanfiction. You'll just magically get another one in the next chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly if you want to keep whatever sense of sanity you have I suggest that you never look up that awful game before you get sucked in like I did.


	40. Pfft what I don't kinkshame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pfft what I don't remember having soriel in this story so having asgoriel is acceptable. totaly

So lets pretend that Soriel chapter neeeever happened, I wonder how that would turn out....

 

 

It was a rainy Saturday evening with everyone's favorite GoatCouple™. The kids were away at some bootleg daycare center, it was quiet in the house, and Asgore didn't hurt any children in 2 whole weeks! Hooray  :D!

As a reward, Asgore was able to pick one weird kink out of a hat for them to try out that night. Because they don't call him Kink Asgore for nothing.

No I'm serious, they don't. That was a typo that every one joked about a few years ago.

Asgore reached the hat and pulled  out a tiny slip of paper that had "Momthy kink" crudely written on it. Before questioning Toriel's ability of writing and spelling, he read out what was on the page.

"What? I thought I taped that to the hat so it wouldn't get picked. Oh well."

"Isn't that cheating?"

"Well I don't know Fluffy Buns, Isn't breaking a child's legs illegal?"

"....Look you take everything I say to a whole new level, can we just start?"

"Ugh fine, mom mode. Ahem;

*boom instant sexy voice* Oh Asgore, you've been such a good boy~. But before I reward you, I simply _must_ ask.....

WHY THE FUCK ARE THOSE **DAMN DISHES** _STILL_ IN THE FUCKING SINK. I WORK DAY AND NIGHT IN THIS HOUSE AND I CANT EVEN COME BACK WITHOUT HAVING TO CLEAN THE DISHES. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER GOT DINNER COOKED FOR _ME?_ WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME SOMEONE HERE GAVE ME A GIFT TO SHOW ME THEY LOVE ME? NEVER. IT NEVER HAPPENS BECAUSE YOUR BEING SELFISH. IM NOT EVEN MAD!  IM JUST VERY, VERY, VERY   
DISAPOINTED IN YOU.

*panting* Whew! Was it good for you too Gorey?"

 

"You're horrible at this you know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pfft what I'm not using laughter to mask the fact that I'm probably clinically depressed while my sanity and self worth are slowly withering away with time as I slowly realize that all lives are illusions and nothing is real anymore. not at all.


	41. R I S E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what the fuck i thought i was dead.

Of course today sans was especially annoyed with you saying that "if you want to bone so badly then why don't you go to megatro- i mean mettaton? that guy has no standards."

You thought about it for a bit.

Why the fuck not?

It hasn't been even 3 seconds into that thought before you kicked down the door and ran to Mettaton's main hangout, and we can only hope you don't get arrested for public indecency for whatever dumb shit you're about to do.

As you made your way to the nearest McDonald's (promo me damnit), you spot your target and half tackled him to the ground.

Mettaton looked pissed as all hell when he turned to you, his left eye turned from yellow to ~~red~~ blood orange. Edgy much?

" **BITCH YOU SCRUFFED MY BOOT I SHOULD KICK YO GOD DAMN** \- oh.*ahem* It's just you....darling. Would you kindly get off?"

"I can only if you want me too baby~"  
Wow, not only did you blow what he said way out of proportion, but on top of that you might have to pay for his boot.

That fucking boot costs more than you.

Mettaton sighed as he pushed you off of him, already sick of your shit. "Look hun, I'll give you 100g to both fuck off and forget I was here, ok? I have to keep my image as stellar as possible."  
  
You think about it...

thinking...

still thinking...

yeah no that offers not working for you.

You nudge him with your shoulder and waggle your eyebrows, "Mabye I can get another deal if ya' know what i mean~."

Mettaton shifted his eyes around the area, scanning the people around the two of you.  
When it was clear enough, he through his head back and extended his leg outward to let out an over exaggerated,  
" _Oh heavens no! I would never stoop so low to date a filthy casual like you!~_ ", before quickly sliding you a tiny slip of paper with his number scribbled in unnessisarily bright pink pen.

You looked up at him with a both concerned and amazed expression, and Mettaton in return gave you a quite slick 'call me' gesture before walking towards the rented out McDonalds.

Congratulations! You got a pop stars (actors, cooking show hoast, game show hoast, ~~stripper~~ , etc.) number!

So, uh....now what?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok shit that one week break turned into a one month break what the fuck me.
> 
> But hey at least i will be trying to update this piece of sin more often ayy.
> 
>  
> 
> **  
> _trying._  
>  **


	42. but what if the children didn't die?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Is in denial about chara and asriel being dead*

"Alright now kids! Today is your first day of middle school, so i don't want any trouble from you three. Got it?" Toriel said, the mom voice slowly slipping. Her drinking problem never really stopped. 

Frisk just shrugged as if their mom didn't just threaten them, "Suuuure, as if I usualy do the worst things in this damn house," and pointed their glare at Chara.

"Pfft whatever Frisk, I'm not the one who repeatedly eats the furniture and and blames the fucking cat, ASRIEL" Chara shouted in Asriel's direction, right when the was about to chomp into the couch.

"Oh fuck you Chara! At least i don't fucking shoplift the entire stock of chocolate from the store! I hope you get caught one day for that shit!"

"You damn snitch! I should rip off your fucking horns!"

Toriel let out a long sigh, put two of her fingers in her mouth and cowboy whistled. It went silent.

"Aight ya potty mouthed little shits that's enough! We're almost going to be late for school, go get in the car."

 

When they made it to school, it looked like hell on earth so Toriel had left the three childeren by themselves as soon as possible (like a responsable mother), which was right before the late bell rang.

Chara raised their eyebrows pasted their hairline somehow in a grinch like grin and turned to the other two, "Hehe you two ready to fuck shit up?"

Frisk looked as if they were dying on the inside and Asriel was chewing on what looked like a part of the car seat bearaly paying attention.

"Fuck no-" "Hell yeah!"

Chara honestly could give less of a fuck weither or they were ready, they just wanted to see the twos face when they were pushed inside the school doors without warning.

Looking around the school, Frisk spotted a teacher and tried to wave her over, but they failed. fucking idiot.

Asriel cupped both their hands together and screamed, "AY BITCH YOU THICKER THAN A SNICKER WHAT THAT THANG DO?"

"ASRIEL YOU FUCKHEAD THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

"YEAH ASSHOLE YOU TRYING TO GET SUSPENDED?!"

Asriel shrugged, "What? I'm just doing what aunkle (Y/N) told me to do if i wanted to get someone's attention. It works for them so why not?"

Of fucking course you taught him that.

The teacher rushed over to the three of them and began yelling at them, but it sounded more like a deflated hawk trying to sing dancing queen.

"You three should be ashamed of yourself! That language is unacceptable on school premises, I'm going to have to take you to the principal's office, mabye when I call your parents you'll know better!" 

"My marents are divorced."

"My parents are dead."

"I'm an orphan."

The teacher made a disgruntled face, like she was constipated or giving birth, she just internally decided to leave it alone.

.....

Frisk spoke up first, "Does this mean we won? We gotta get to class."

"Hell if I know dude, I wasn't even listening to her," Chara waved off.

They all concluded that they would all just walk back home, like any kid would do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :^) I hate school with every fiber of my being.


	43. Fresh Frisk of Ebbot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> exactly what you think it is

Now this is a story all about how 

My life got flipped-turned upside down 

And I’d like to take a minute 

Just sit right there 

I’ll tell you how I became the Frisk of a town under Ebbot

In west of the moutians born and raised 

In the underground's was where I spent most of my days 

Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool 

And all eantin' some pies inside of the ruins and all

 When a couple of skels who were up to no good 

Started making puzzles in my neighborhood 

I got in one little trap and Toriel got scared 

She said, “You’re movin’ with Alphys and Undyne in hotland.”

I begged and pleaded with her day after day 

But she packed my suitcase and sent me on my way 

She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket. 

I put my Walkman on and said, “I might as well kick it.”

First class, yo, this is bad

 Drinking spider juice out of a spider glass. 

Is this what the people of Hotland living like?  
   
Hmm, this might be alright.

But wait I hear they’re monsters,murder-y all that 

Is this the type of place that they just send this cool cat? 

I don’t think so

 I’ll see when I get there 

I hope they’re prepared for the Frisk of Ebbot.

Well, the plane landed and when I came out 

There was a dude who looked like a guard standing there with my name out

 I ain’t trying to get killed yet

 I just got here 

I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared

I whistled for a cab and when it came near

 The license plate said “Frisk” and it had dice in the mirror  
 If anything I could say that this cab was rare 

But I thought, “Nah, forget it.”

 – “Yo, home to Ebbot.”  
I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 

And I yelled to the cabbie, “Yo home smell ya later.” 

I looked at my kingdom

 I was finally there   
To sit on my throne as the fresh Frisk of Ebbot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit it's been almost a month whoops, been gone for while bc school is kicking my ass atm and i'm trinna chill for a bit lmao.
> 
> on another note, i missed both halloween AND my birthday so guess what i have to make up forrrr


	44. The shitstorm before dankmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :^0 is this????? an uPDATE?????

It was everyone's favorite holliday, halloweed. You were so ready to spook the shit outta everyone in this fuckboi neighborhood.

You, were going as the worlds greatest and most evil super villain, Robbie Rotten. Papyrus, to oppose you (because you never got his name right and is still salty about it), is going as Sporticus (aka bootleg sonic).

But sans, being the lazy fuck he is, only wrote the word 'Life' on his shirt and has a basket full of lemons.

"Dude, why did you have to have the laziest costume??? You literaly got all this stuff from the dollar store after a 20 minute drive, what the fuck happened to your halloween spirit??" You were seriously disappointed in this blue sack of potatoes right now.  
"it died with my spirit to do anything a loooong time ago."

Wow ok sans watch it with the Edge™ there sans you might cut something.

"Shit boi's it's almost time for us to go, y'all ready for this?"

"NO!"  
"no."

"Great! Let's go!"  
But before you three could get even 3 steps out of the door, you bumped into two kids and a furry.

"What the hell? Frisk who's fucking kids are these and why are y'all at my house??" you interagate the child before looking up. Oh, I guess they belonged to Toriel.

"LADY ASGORE!"  
"hey tori!"  
"Sup Toriel, its great to see you here, but i gotta ask why you brought your kids to my house?"

Toriel snapped out of her frazzled stare into the abbiss and hid away her flamingo pink flask (its for the aesthetic of course).  
"Huh? Oh yeah i can't watch them tonight because i have-" she stopped for a second to glance at the spot where she hid away her flask"-business to attend to at........um......work" but we all know what she's really gonna do.  
Watch the Nightmare Before Christmas of course!

You send her a knowing wink and a face that resembled the lenny face emoticon (you fucking meme).

"Wait a minute why are you all in costu-"

Poor Toriel didn't even get to finish her sentence before you swept her off of the doorstep with a conveniently sized and placed broom, "WELP! Time to get out there and trick or treat our asses off!" 

You and the other 5 irrelevant characters made it to the first house with candy bags in hand and enough fake smiles to make me jealous, ready to get some long awaited candy. Being the main character™, you walk up and knock on the dark blue door that was decorated with faux snowflakes and bells for some stupid reason. Doesn't this person know what holiday it is?????

Ah shit the door's opening time to get some good ass can-

"What the fuck? Why the hell are you guys in costume it's november," The grouchy child grumbles.

Your very misplaced friends look at each other with very confused and disappointed looks. You, however, where at the maximum amount of disappointment.

"the fUCK DO YOU MEAN ITS NOT HALLOWEEN!?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who tf let's their kid answer the door for a bunch of strangers in lazy town costumes in the middle of november???


	45. trojan damp

It was 3 o'clock in the morning, but being the edge master he is, sans is only laying down contemplating life. A couple of minutes into this he decided he had nothing better to do and sent you a text.

 **sans:** hey are you up?

Why did he have a feeling he would regret this?

  
On the other hand, you weren't asleep either, since you were too busy marathoning American Horror Story.

Then your phone ring.

DONT YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE M-

.....nice ringtone.

 **fake jack skeleton** : hey are you up?

 **you** : yea lmao y r u still up

 **fake jack skeleton** : can't sleep :/

 **you** : :^) are you thinking about me?

 **fake jack skeleton** : lol hell no.

 **you** : but ur the one who texted me :^X

 **fake jack skeleton** : ...because i knew you weren't asleep...

 **fake jack skeleton** : i can here your tv from across the hall

 **you** : *hear

 **fake jack skeleton** : fucj off

 **you** : *fuck

 **fake jack skeleton** : sometimes i wonder why we're dating

(pfft so does everybody reading this)

 **you** : and sometimes i wonder how you're able to breath

 **you** : you don't even fucking have lungs

 **you** : you're a goddamn skeleton

 **fake jack skeleton** : and yet you're always trying to jump my bones

 **you** : don't start wit that shit it's too early for that

 **fake jack skeleton** : :^)

 **you** : _d o n t_

 **fake jack skeleton** : _:^)_

 **you** : sans t. skeleton i am warning you i will break into your room and sit on you

 **fake jack skeleton** : jeez ok, guess that didn't

 **fake** **jack** **skeleton** : tickle your funny bone

this hoe....

"That's it," you hop (up out my bed turn my swag on) out of your bed and stomp into sans' room and belly flop directly onto him.

Real fuckin' genius idea dumbass, why did you think it was a good idea to jump directly onto solid bone?

"fUCK THAT HURT"

"yeah no shit asshole tell that to the one you're fuCKING SITTING ON. GET OFF!"

"( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Only if you want me too~"

.  
..  
....  
.........

"are you fucking kidding me right now?"

 


	46. what Papyrus probably does in his free time

"OH METTATON WHEN WILL I BE IN YOUR LOVING METALIC EMBRACE?" Papyrus swooned, cradling a fucking toaster. He's been doing this for the past week now and Frisk was beginning to worry for his health.

Pinching the bridge of their nose, Frisk closed their eyes and ignored him for a while. Why did they stay with them all again? They could've honestly just left them all at the moutian or something, but noooo they just had to be the good guy and deal with them.

"Papyrus I swear to god it's like you're a 13 year old fawning over a shitty boy band."

Papyrus had stopped in the middle of smooching the now dented toaster and shot Frisk a dirty look.

(it toster was dented because he wasn't really smooching it, it was more like head budding it[he has no fucking lips])

"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS FRISK, YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND _TRUE_ LOVE," Papyrus shouted before cradling the toaster as if Frisk had hurt it's feelings," IT'S OK METTABAE THEY CAN'T HURT YOU AS LONG AS I'M HERE!"

 

...? ok then.  

 

".....And they called _me_  the hormonal one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me @ myself: This bitch empty
> 
> Me, throwing myself off a bridge: YEET


	47. The daily life of a sans fan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alternate title: i'm going to hell aren't i

>You were only 20 years old  
>You had loved sans so much, you had all the merchandise and movies  
>You pray to sans every night before bed, thanking him for the life you've been given  
>"sans is love" you say; "snas is life"  
>Frisk hears you and calls you a Dumbass  
>You knew they were just jealous of your devotion for sans  
>You call them a cunt  
>They slap you and send you to go to sleep  
>You're crying now, and your face hurts  
>You lay in bed and it's really cold  
>Suddenly, a warmth is moving towards you  
>It's sans   
>You were so happy  
>He whispers into your ear "this is my grillby's."  
>He grabs you with his powerful skele-hands and puts you down onto your hands and knees  
>You're ready  
>You spread your ass-cheeks for sans  
>He penetrates your butt-hole  
>It hurts so much but you do it for sans  
>You can feel your butt tearing as your eyes start to water  
>You push against his force  
>You want to please sans  
>He roars in a mighty roar as he fills your butt with his love  
>Frisk walks in  
>sans looks them straight in the eyes and says "It's all skele-done now."  
>sans leaves through your window  
>sans is love. snas is life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i almost cried while writing this


	48. hOi!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> teM is auther naoW!

eEt was pRettY dAi oWtsOide, bIrbs were chiRpping!!! uH...flours wEre blOOming!!!!  
evEn though iD wassss! Decemper!!!! 

yOU were hePPYY!!!!! wiTh ur faV bf!! Snasie-poo!!! but!!! he wasn't ??????? but tHat ok!! you...heppY antywey!!!! you giVe hem loats! of hUgs!!! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and he huGged bacc! and u were BOTHH!! heppy!!!!!!!

but????? OH NO temi forget!! toRII!!! she loved!! snas too!!!!!! and? AssgorE! he love toriii!!!!! and mettitan!!!!! he love uuuuu!!!!!! oh dA horror! DA HORRORR!!!!!

buTT! fear noat!!!! temmie!!! can rite gud storii thaT fixes EVERYTING!!!!! temmi is bestt auther!!!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tem is Vvvvv! proud pareNt! of SELF!!!!
> 
> (if you can figure out wth is going on in this you automatically gain a pat on the back from me)


	49. why do you people make sans so edgy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i mean honestly my man just wants to tell some puns and eat some greasy ass food and y'all have the nerve to take that away from him and turn him into a fucking 2005 emo kid

After a very long and interesting day (that I will never write) you come back home to sans wallowing on the floor. Normally you would just step over him and go to bed, but then I would have nothing to write about, so you don't.

"Alright you little bitch what the fuck happened this time?"

"fuck off, you don't know my pain. i've been through literal hell and you have the fucking audacity to call me a little bitch? do you honestly know what i've been through? i've seen the edges of hell and i've died both on the inside and out. the ones i've loved in my life have been ripped away from me and have even turned on me and it caused me so much hurt. do you think YOU have it bad? try living through the same life experiences over and over and over again and start to loose track of it all because you just can't see the point of it all anymore. try crying yourself to sleep because you don't know when it will ever stop. fuck off. you don't know me or what i go through."

".......We ran out of ketchup again didn't we?"

"yeah.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway, happy new year you gremlins


	50. tfw u fite w/ bae ;((((((

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess who had the bravery to look up what ecto-boobs are.
> 
> this fandom surprises me everyday.

You return home from your grueling job as a typical business man living in the 1950s. Dealing with some of the things at your job was hard. Paperwork, random singing chipmunks asking for a record deal, Linda. It was all such a mess.

But lucky for you, you get to come back to your beautiful wife, sans.

"Babe i'm homeee!"

But instead of seeing the smiling face of your wife, your met with a hard smack to the face.

"Bitch what the fuck, that's not my kink"

You look down to see sans in a (obvious) wig with curlers, a saggy robe, and the biggest and most unnessisary pair of boobs you've ever seen.

"What the fu-"  
"this isn't about sex harol-i mean- (y/n) it's about our c h i l d"

"Wait we had a fucking kid? How it that even biologicaly possible? You're a fucking skeleton."

"that doesn't matter! you need to take responsibility for your child!"

"What is even happening!?"

"WHY DONT YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?"

 

 

You jolt awake from your horrendous nightmare, shook to the bone. You turn over to see sans starring directly at you looking pissed as fuck.

"dude what the fuck, you were screaming in your sleep"

"You won't belive the dream I just fucking had, we had a kid and I think you had boobs."

"what? i can't even make a dick how do i make tits!?"

"I have no fucking clue."

 

".....were they at least big?"

"Gigantic."

"hell yeah"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no but seriously who the fuck came up with ecto-boobs what the fuck.
> 
> also why the fuck did i make 50 of these and why do you guys keep reading them


	51. wosh u life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> woshua is the best character fight me on this

You wake up in the back of a dark ally, probably from a night of drinking your ass of with Toriel at Grillby's. 

....and getting kicked out for throwing water on Grillby. Who knew water was so hazardous to fire?

Suddenly, you're nudged to get up by a small green monster with a bathtub as a midsection, he looked like an underground creature from sometype of game. The thing was pretty angry from looking at you, but that wouldn't be a first.

"u are absolutely FILTHY, come with me"

hm, a green monster thing wants you to follow him out of a dark ally and to god knows where. seems safe enough.

You two eventually make it to a "Bathing Clinic" as the thing (his name is woshua as you found out earlier) called it and what you found inside was...interesting.

Hundreds upon Thousands of Woshua's brethren were just bathing each other in a gigantic bathtub with little rubber ducks floating around and squeaking automaticly.

"WE HAVE FOUND A SACRIFICE, BRING THEM TO THE GREAT ONE" Woshua had called out to the mass of Woshuas, who then began chanting the word 'sacrifice'.

bitch what.

They force you into a doggie carrier and take you into the back of the clinic to sacrifice you to 'the great one'. So this is how you die. 

wait, what in the actual fuck.

As it turns out, 'the great one' is really a oversized shower with (what you hoped to be) googely eyes. 

"Oh great one, we bring you this sacrifice as thanks for our cleanliness" Woshua says to the shower, and the eyes dart towards you and wink.

"Howdy, I'm Showey, Showey the Shower!"


	52. #exposed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm fucking exposing sans i'm not playing these games.
> 
> (btw this will have no type of grammar so beware of that)

look, sans, you're my buddy and all but..... i gotta roast you real quick.

 

ok listen here you fake ass jack skeleton idk who the hell told you to fucking show up here in the first place wit yo creepy ass, you gone fucking run up behind me in my first play through talking bout some "don't you know how to greet a new pal?" like??? bitch???? who??? the fuck??? ¿¿¿¿¿¿are youuuuuu??????? i don't fucking know you you short ass limp dick mf, leave.weird ass mf trinna get me to shake his fucking dick. and then you got the nerve,,,,the mf A U D A C I T Y to tell these corny ass jokes and expect me to laugh along with this drum riff you pulled out yo ass like bitch ain't nobody about to laugh at that shit. and t h e n your trash ass follow me around all.fuckin.day like you my daddy or some shit, and idgaf about ppl defending his ass for being protective bc of some fucking "resets" and "genocide runs" like BITCH I AM NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOUUUU. sPEAKING IF GENOCIDE RUNS, tell me why this trash ass halloween decoration is the same mf that be rocking a hoodie, a shirt that probably got either a ketchup stain or a cum stain, and some fucking slippers. SLIPPERS. fuck outta here with that shit boi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so sorry i was gone (even tho i'm pretty sure y'all don't give a fuck) i'm really busy with school and shit so the delays are gonna be kinda long, but at least we almost done :)


	53. dildos aren't a part of a balenced breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm feel like i'm dying i can't feel my pinky toe

"tORIEL HOLY FUCK" you scream kicking down her door with a crate full of alcohol. You hear toriel drop (and fucking break) whatever she had in her hand and rush out of the kitchen.

"The fuck do you want m'child I'm busy."

You raise the crate to Toriel and she fucking finesses that shit, never to be seen again. Luckily, before she phased out of existence with your booze, she left her door open. Walking inside you find her room, and hot damn was there some scandalous shit in there. Socks, crocs, flip flops, you name it. You look under her bed and find a mysterious box labeled ' ** _NOT DILDOS_** ' and you assume there are cook books inside of it.

Lo' and behold, it was full of dildos.

You ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) your way to the living room and screamed for toriel as respectful as possible, "YO BITCH"

Toriel crab-walked her way into the living room and completely froze when she saw the box. Without explanation she uppercutted the box out of your hands and _**E V E R Y T H I N G**_ hit the fan, one in particular managed to fall into your mouth while you were in the midst of saying

'HOLY SHIT' and you began to choke. Toriel called the ambulance and they rushed you to the hospital, but you didn't make it.

After your funeral they placed your tombstone, which read:

**R.I.P**

**(Y/N)**

**They died doing what they loved, choking on a dildo.**

**Expect them to come back to life next week.**


	54. primero de abril

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's april fools day u thots, y'all already know what this is

You open the door to your house very carefully and walk inside. sans had said the day before he would have a surprise for you after work (or whatever you do with your life) and you were a bit scared of what it was. Today was april fools day, and sans was put on a bit of a lockdown since he was known to be a little too hardcore when it came to pranks.

Last year he had put you in a box and sent you to mexico, your stomach still hurts from that debacle.

When you make it inside safely you noticed a large present-like box in the middle, and like the dumbass you are, you open it.

sans rips himself out of the box and screams, "surprise motherfucker."

"Oh hey sans, and here i thought you were gonna pull some huge pra-"

Your words were cut of by a sickening crack.

sans just broke your fucking neck, killing you instantly.

"april fools, dipshit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls if your gonna pull a prank today don't be a dick ok???? u can still have fun without harming someone physically or emotionally! ok???? ok.


	55. does (y/n) is weed?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything's the same weepy sans and the reader are high as F U C K

  
"hehe, dude what do you call a pothead with two sliffs?"

"Haha what?"

"double jointed"

And you both start laughing your asses off.

You and sans have been exanging jokes while being high off your asses since the day first started and everyone is extremely worried for you

because you were doing this in the middle of a retirement home.

"Ok bro listen, what do you call a potato that does weed?"  
  
"what?"

"A _baked_ potato!"  
"a baked potato."

"Dude what the fuck how'd you know that one??"

"your seriously talking to someone who keeps a joke book in their glove department"

"True......"

  
A few seconds later one of the nurses had walked through the doors carrying a tray of brownies, most likely for the people who were actually supposed to be there. You nudged sans and pointed towards the tray,  
"Bro we should totally jack those brownies"

"ok."

Without warning sans grabbed your shoulder, teleported to the brownies and grabbed them, and then teleported home.

"Um I was kinda joking but lmao whatever"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"do you think we could put weed in these?"


	56. undertale is dead i'm dead you're dead tax evasion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one year??? of this bullshit?? more likely than you think

ayy lmao can u belive it's been a year since i've made this??? but it's a little too bad i'm stopping it now because i lost my interest in undertale all together. i was originally going to keep going to the 69 chapters i was planning to do but i don't have the motivation to do this one anymore.

regardless, i'm greatful that even half of you actually read this and actually e n j o y e d it, it really makes me happy to know that i can make something that makes ppl laugh. so your prizes are virtual cookies (god that's cheesy), congratulations!

dont fall for these thots out here,

  **sin** cerely,

                ~~blueballs~~ ~~~~bluebitterness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if i could write u all an individual Platonic Love Letter™ would
> 
> (special s/o to magthemage and sansytheskeleton you two are really nice and you get an extra cookie)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> (Also I have a blog so you can send an ask, follow me or send me hate, I don't give a shit
> 
> blue-bitterness.tumblr.com)


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